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Archives for : Wil Wheaton (Evil)

Ku-less – Hai-lidays: Weekend of the Wheaton

Pop Culture, Entertainment, Television, Wil Wheaton, Geek Love, Labor Day,

Wheekend of the Wheaton

 

This Labor Day Weekend

Hai Kulture Vs. The W2

In The Mud!!!

[1] / [2]

 (With download of Mud App for I-Phone or Droid)

 

Hai Kulture Presents: The Get More ‘Like’ s than Wil Wheaton Weekend

 

On a Facebook near you

https://www.facebook.com/Haikulture

(So near-it’s just a single click!)

Get The Invite! “Love’ the ‘Like’

And please, please, please…share it with your friends like a warm and friendly STD…OF LOVE!

Only you can prevent Wil Wheaton’s popularity over our own.

Fizzy Fruity Drinks with little umbrellas all around!

(Sponsored by the Society for Shamelessly Increasing Traffic on This Website)
(It’s the last time-we promise—–Hai 🙂 )

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Mud  App optional. Mud App only applies where applicable. Hai Kulture is not responsible for any data loss due to the downloading of the Mud App. Hai Kulture is not affiliated with Mud App. Hai Kukture would actually prefer if you didn’t download Mud App as these are new shoes. I mean where are we going to change? Do YOU even HAVE a spare tankini?

    Mud App may cause an increased compulsion to gamble. If using, downloading, or even thinking of Mud App and you exhibit signs of a heart attack – please consult a physician. Actually, if you show signs of a heart attack, consult a physician in general. It seems like a good idea. Oh and definitely if you start bleeding out of an orifice-any of them. Do not download Mud App on an empty stomach. Do not use Mud App if Mud App persists for more than 4 hours. Do not operate heavy machinery while using Mud App. Do not get Mud App in eyes. Do not taunt Mud App.

    Do not ingest Mud App as rumor has it is made from that stuff that was in Stretch Armstrong™ and that was bad.

    Remember- your Mom wouldn’t let you get one after watching the news. Then she called your friend’s mom and said ‘Stretch Armstrong™ is filled with space toxins’ and your friend’s mom made him throw it out. He was mad at you for weeks. He stopped sharing his fruit roll-ups with you and almost made Charlie McGlusky his best friend in your place. Remember Charlie McGlusky?! That freak ate paste and almost replaced you on the great 3rd grade totem pole of popularity. Do you want that to happen again over some stupid Mud App????!!! No!!!!!!!

    Those were dark times. It isn’t worth it.

  2. You know who probably IS downloading Mud App – Wil Wheaton. Do you want to be like him? I mean if Wil Wheaton jumped off a bridge…

War of the Wheaton – The Hai-Five

Beauty heartbroken

By smug kilt-wearing gamer

I ask: What the Fawkes?!!?!

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fifth

Fawkes Pas or The Guilded Butterfly Incident

 

 

 

(If you have a copy of Grieg’s ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ start playing….

 

…now)

 

(And if not – Hai has kindly provided you with a copy 🙂 —Love, Hai :-*  ) [11.5]

 

In_the_Hall_of_the_Mountain_King

 

Time to turn down the lights…

 

Now, where were we?

 

Ah yes…

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil)

W For Whendetta

This guy.

 

The Wheaton.

 

W-Squared.

(or W2 with the new superscript button — Love, Hai)

 

Good ol’  ‘Wilbo’.

 

Time to step up to the plate for strike three.

 

(Are you up to the dramatic fasty bit at the end of the song? I’ll wait…)

(So…how was your day?)

(Ok. Ready? Let’s go!)

 

Ummm…

 

He’s kissed Felicia Day. I’m just going to throw that out there.

 

AND he made her fictitiously sad! [12]

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) The Guild Felcia Day

The beautiful Felicia Day besmirched by sadness :(

(Not to weaken my argument, but it is impossible to find a distressed picture of Ms. Day. She is far too adorable. [13] After an extensive Internet search, the most I could come up with is ‘Codex nonplussed’. )

 

(This pops the seal on the can of worms of nonplussines. Do I mean ‘vexed’ or ‘unfazed’? Hey-I didn’t decide to go on the neologism rampage in the past decade! Let’s just say, at most, she was ‘plussed’. Arguably not a word, but if people are going to flip words derived from the Latin on their tail, I’m going to start making things up. Plussed: it’s both ‘vexy’ AND ‘fazy’. Pencil THAT  into the margin of your Funk and Wagnalls!)

 

(And don’t go saying she’s somewhat come-hither in the above photo. Squint a bit and she’s slightly ticked off. Work with me here! It’s late and I’ve spent two hours sifting through photos of ‘The Day of Sunshine’ [14] looking like a cute fluffy bunny who has momentarily misplaced a carrot. An extremely plussy, cute, fluffy bunny in the above case.)

 

She was sad. Season 3 & 4 of ‘The Guild’. I have it on DVD. Come over and I’ll show you or just check it out at:  http://www.watchtheguild.com/  – so I don’t have to tidy up.

 

I’ll give you one guess as to the cause. Here’s a hint-it rhymes with Wheat Thin.

 

Good. Glad we are on the same page again.

 

No one should make Felicia Day sad or even borderline plussed.

 

Wheaton Strike Three (Rounded up): YOU BASTARD!

 

Gotcha!

 

Let the ‘Blood Feud’ commence!

 

Sorry – Wilbo. It really is nothing personal. [15] / [16]

 

It’s just all the cool geeks are doing it. 🙂

 

FIN…?

 

—PepperJack

 

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. This is a bit of a Spoiler Alert : Redundancy from the Hai Kulture 2.0 reboot, but I honestly was extremely pleased with myself when I figured out Audio Player and snuck it in that afternoon after Seward posted. It stays! —Hai
  2. I love Felicia Day. Just a little.
  3. She is adorable.
  4. With all the adorableness, it stands to reason she is cute also.
  5. In all honesty, I have nothing against Wil Wheaton. He’s an open gamer, ‘out-of-the-dungeon’ geek, seemed like a pretty cool (and non-litigious) guy when I met him, and even parodies himself ala ‘The Shat’.  [16] I have nothing but respect for that. He’s alive and well and living in exile: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ . Check it out. It’s true; he’s not a dick.

    (But I did change my spellchecker to recognize ‘Wilbo’ – so the whole blood feud thing – I really should go through with it to save face.)

  6. There are those who deem referring to William Shatner as ‘The Shat’ insulting. I disagree. He’s not ‘shat’; he’s ‘The Shat’. Difference = huge

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-Four

Battle Pen to Sword

Who is mightier? Sharpie ™-

The tip always felt

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fourth

 Fan (dissed) Service or Origins ™ Story

 

 

It’s time for a little face time with W-Squared

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher

Meta Evil with (W-Squared) 2

 

It’s like looking into a mirror looking into a mirror staring into The Abyss. [9]

 

I have met The Wheaton on two occasions. The first was during the Crusher salad days at a Sci-Fi(nance) convention. [10] Wheaton was the big ringer that day. He had left the show about a year back and all the buzz was Starfleet Academy.

 

‘When will there be Starfleet Academy?’

 

‘Oh, Wil-I can’t wait for Starfleet Academy!’

 

‘Something about cookies and milk and Starfleet Academy’ punctuated by a squeal.

 

My friends and I attended this venture with the dual purposes of dropping 80 dolllars of mid-nineties currency on plastic junk and taking Wil Wheaton down a peg.

 

Damn that likable rogue! He gave a charismatic panel. He was healing people who touched the hem of his trendy kitsch t-shirt. He was personable while signing autographs.

 

(Yes-fine! I will freely admit I waited two hours in line for his autograph. Not that I really wanted it. I didn’t. Honest. Every geek girl who was crammed in that Shriner Fest capacity hotel and liked robots or would react to a ‘Don’t Panic’ [11] lapel button was in that line. I’m not stupid – that was one hour and forty minutes of chatting up geek girls before we turned a corner and Ensign Dreamboat hoved into view.)

 

The attack on Wheaton was three pronged that day and hatched while pawing through back issues of Doctor Who Monthly.

 

Prong One: The Befuddle

 

I slid a picture of Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show across the table toward his awaiting Sharpie ™

 

The Wheaton: “But…? This isn’t me…”

 

Me: “Why would I want a picture of you?”

 

And The Wheaton laughed.

 

He saw the sea of starry-eyed Starfleeters.

 

Wheaton knew the deal.

 

Touché

 

He remained firmly entrenched on all his respective pegs.

 

(The Wheaton: 1  Prongs: 0)

 

 

Prong Two: The Flip

 

My friend slides an actual picture of Crusher in all his Ensigniness to the unwitting mark.

 

Friend: “Could you sign it ‘Wilbo’? ”

The Wheaton: “To ‘Wilbo’?”

 

Friend: “From ‘Wilbo'”

 

The Wheaton: (awkward pause with confused frowning) “…uh-uh…”

 

Set phaseres to phased.

 

The pegs looked tenuous.

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs: 1)

 

 

 

Prong Three: The Last Word

 

We yelled “Your TV Mom is hot!!!” and ran away.

 

Ha! Touché back atcha!

 

The old double touché

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs 2)

 

 

Wheaton Strike Two: Give the people what they want!

 

Were we really the first ‘Wilbo’ that day??? C’mon!

 

Doctor Zachary Smith from Lost in Space signed his photo ‘Tiger Smith’ in homage to the time he boxed Robot and let me tell you – that chap had class.

 

‘Wilbo’ Wheaton has never boxed with a robot!

 

(Although according to Queensbury rules, I don’t think I can call that a legitimate strike.)

 

As a footnote to this, the second occasion I met Wil Wheaton was at a book signing for ‘Just A Geek’. The line was much thinner. The starry eyed glances were more fleeting. We chatted a minute or two and I relayed The ‘Wilbo’ Incident to him. He laughed and graciously signed the book ‘Wilbo’ of his own accord.

 

Fine.

 

Wheaton Strike One and a Half

 

Well played, Wheaton. Well played.

 

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Abyss (def): endless void or a movie with Ed Harris and some watery CGI mooks. Either way, something you don’t want to stare at for too long.
  2. Term for a convention of no particular theme and a hodge-podge of guests whose only connection is cancelled shows, free time, and needing a buck. This one was called Origins ™. Sweet, sweet irony.
  3. That little green globey guy’s tongue is the Mick Jagger lips of SF.

The War of The Wheaton – The Hai-three

Blush-Giggle-Clap-Clap

Bounce-Dance-Giggle-Squeal-Swoon (*groan*)

Enter: The Wheaton

 

  Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Third

Dreamboat Willie or The Starfleetin’ Incident

 

 

That boldface *groan* – that’s from me.

 

A little Author in the Haiku Aether moment.

 

It is a groan of dismay and not because I suddenly found myself surrounded by Aether. [6] / [7]

 

It has never been easy for ‘Geek Boy Seeking Geek Girl’. Shake your trusted Crown Royal ‘Bag of Holding’ and your assortment of D-20s in the wrong direction and you can clear a room of potential suitors faster than Odysseus back in Ithaca-town. [8]

 

Remember this simple equation kids: D+D=D+O+A

 

Not mathematically sound, but it increases the circumference of your social bubble.

 

Then…

 

Enter: The Wheaton

 

Back in the day, Wheaton set the geek bar.

 

These days, I cannot even imagine the flaming hoops one has to jump through to impress geek girls as they sit about and wait for vampires to ask them to prom.

 

In the mid-nineties, there was only one shadow to live in. A man-boy sized shadow.

 

Wesley Crusher.

 

Oh look! There he is now…

 

Poking his nose into my Aether!

 

This is mine! Get your own Aether!

 

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Ensign Smiley Britches

GAH! Look at that smug smile!

 

He’s probably fresh from saving The Enterprise…again!

 

I once had a girlfriend who thought him ‘The Dreamiest’.

 

 

(Her words not mine and words said quite frequently- quite frequently with squealing…quite frequently with squealing and little bouncy dances with hand clapping. Squeal-dance-clap. Rinse and repeat, long before The Zumba was all the rage.)

 

Could I really fault her for it?

 

No, Crusher was made for geek girl crushing.

 

However, I am not one to take things like this lying down, standing up, or even arms akimbo. Jealous hands are the idle’s playground. Taxing the limits of my Print Shop [ver. some single digit], I took it upon myself to produce, as novelty gift toppers (and mostly for the purpose of giggling and cuddling reception), four issues of ‘Starfleetin.’

‘Starfleetin’ was a mock Wheaton self-produced fanzine detailing his exploits to get the defunct Starfleet Academy television series made. These exploits usually entailed W-Squared awkwardly auditioning girls in his basement and being disturbed by his mom bringing down grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade. It also featured an advice column where he just tried to get girls’ numbers.

I had it in for him a little…

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing Starflrrtin'

A Turin Shroud of Anti-Wheaton Comedy (recovered from a 3.5 tomb at 3am after a 5 hour seacrh)

 

The back of StarFleetin’ vol. 1 issue 1 (circa god knows when)

 

Featured: Ask Wilbo! advice column and an audition notice for StarFleet Academy: The Independent Film. (Bring/Wear Bathing Suit-No Fatties!)

 

 

 

 

(In reading the hard copy I’ve recently rediscovered said girlfriend once referred to The Wheaton as: ‘The Dreamland Cookie in my Bedtime Glass of Milk’. Set phasers to wrongness on so many levels.)

 

Ah- at least revenge is a dish best paid Ten Forward!

 

 

 

Wheaton Strike One: Never make another guy’s girl do the clappy-dance.

 

…and stay out of his Aether!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Good Wil Hunting

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Aether (def.) The thick vapors that make up space and hold all the planets and stars and wobbly bits in place. According to the Victorians [7], you could breathe in it if you were wearing a pith helmet and fly to the moon in it if you had a steam-punk’d frigate.
  2.  Victorians (def.): People long on pocket watches and short on astro-navagation.
  3. Spoiler Alert:understatement. Odysseus popped back to Ithaca after a little side jaunt and killed some suitors.Circa 1174 B.C. was a very rough season of ‘The Bachelorette’.

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-two

Thy eye offends thee-

then use Visine. Other eyes –

Oedipal wreckage

 

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Second

Wheaton Harder

 

Personally, I’m just a firm believer that having an arch-nemesis around livens things up.

Just pick a random person and make them the root of all evil.

I do it all the time. The workday goes faster. There is less downtime at the Laundromat. Oil changes become a Machiavellian dance on a Jiffy Lube chessboard.

I even pick a ‘vacation arch-nemesis’ when I frequent the beach in summers.

If you are curious, I find a Bed and Breakfast lends itself to the arch-nemesis scenario. There’s always someone to catch with a knowing arched eyebrow over the coffee mug at communal breakfast. Someone to draw purposefully into an inane conversation to foil his dastardly plot of — quietly reading the paper. Someone to make sure that you score the only porch rocker before they do. Someone heading out to the sand and the sun, to watch through the banister, as you crouch low on the stairway and whisper, ‘What exactly is your game, Sir?’ (Struggling with an over-sized umbrella while locking your door is fooling no one.)

On this The Vast Interwebby Thing, the Royal We of Hai Kulture choose you, Wil Wheaton.

We are a pop culture website after all -we need a nemesis of decent bubblegummy archiness.

Enter Wil Wheaton.

He gives good nemesis. He is of a similar age (the Lex Luthor vibe). He is far wealthier than I (classic reverse Batman scenario). He wore a kilt in various webisodes of The Guild (which is as close as I want to get to a guy in a leopard print loincloth in this lifetime). He’s a former Trekker with a beard (and if ‘Mirror, Mirror’ teaches anything: beards = bad).

Fine-right now you are saying one of two things:

A) Who in the hell is Wil Wheaton?

or:

B) It’s been done.

A| A quick and dirty, biased, and statistically unfounded poll here at The Hai Kulture Dojo, involving my cell phone and texts to less people than I could count on both hands if I were a carny, has shown that almost no one under the age of thirty knows who (‘in the hell’ or outside of it) Wil Wheaton is. The back end of my demographic just fell to the floor faster than an unmentionable in a Live song. [5]

I’m still sticking with it.

(Oh and sorry Wil, that factoid is hurting me as much as it hurts you.)

B| Yes, those of you who know just who in the hell Wil Wheaton is, also realize that it has been done before. The Wheaton has been playing up an evil parody of himself on various programs. ‘Leverage’, ‘The Guild’, and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ all feature Wil Wheaton: Arch-nemesis. I just want it to be known I got there first. The Wheaton has been baning my existence long before Chuck Lorre had his hands on Charlie Sheen, let alone tried to wash them of him.

You have your doubts. I understand completely.

Well, ready your spoons of justice and prepare to break through the weird milky skin of uncertainty to some chocolatey goodness of truth.

And I’ll cook up some pudding made with proof.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Televison Humor Wil Wheaton (evil)

Whrath of The Wheaton

(To be continued)

— PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Here’s a hint: ‘Lightning Crashes’. Here’s another hint: Why would I be afraid to mention ‘intentions’?

War of The Wheaton – The Haiku

You are  ‘Just A Geek’

Wil Wheaton! Find this Blood Feud

Far from Starfleetin’

Something Wheaton  This Way Comes…Part the First

Beginnings and Strange Days

 

 

Granted this is not my best work by far, but the haiku couplet is a nice touch. In my defense, Dr. Seuss squeezed quite a bit of forced meter from nonsensical stones in his day:

 

Moonin’ K. Marvey, we have to leave in a bit!
(Now to make up a word and make this rhyme fit.)

 

 

I’m on to you Geisel!

 

Campy as Bacon’s [1] choices may have been at times, I have always liked the ‘Shakespearean’ couplet. Its sharp punch signaled something was afoot, someone had a head of steam, moustaches were being twirled, and the pot was being stirred-albeit rather slowly and at a very low heat.

 

“Hang in there groundlings-we’re getting there…”

 

Eventually.

 

(That – or “Go get a refreshing bowl of mud, it’s the end of Act XVII!”)

 

So, with the Hai Kulture Reboot’d launch a week and change out, it’s time to stir some pots, hang some drapes, and create a little mythos.

 

Announcing:

 

The Hai Kulture/Wil Wheaton ‘Blood Feud’

 

Because everything is better with an arch-nemesis!

 

It’s true.

 

Would Bruce Wayne have ever traded money belt for utility, were it not for The Joker? Bat Shark Repellent ™ (Wayne Industries) – but a beautiful dream.

 

Would The Man of Steel just continuously kick pigskins over cornfields if he hadn’t been the cause of his super-smart chum’s sudden case of Evil Alopecia?

 

Would Peter Parker have a cute flame-haired girlfriend if he never had the opportunity to do a bit of web slinging and face punching? He should really pen a nice thank-you note to that guy in the leopard print loincloth and the other chap with the fishbowl on his head. [2] [3]/[4]

 

Would Doctor Strange…?

 

Actually, I have absolutely NO idea what Doctor Strange does, even with an arch-nemesis. I always assumed he just stayed back at headquarters cooking Salisbury steak dinner for everyone else who was out saving the world.

 

Let us leave the be-aproned Doctor Stephen Strange to a dimly lit Avengers dining hall, as the candles burn low and the dinners grow cold, and get back to the blood feud in question.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Humor Entertainment Wil Wheaton (Evil)

War of The Wheaton

(To Be Continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Who wants to play ‘Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon’? I’ll start-Shakespeare: zero.
  2. That guy in the leopard print loincloth (Kraven the Hunter). The other chap with the fishbowl on his head (Mysterio). Excelsior!
  3. Admittedly, Spiderman’s ‘nemesi’ [4] are decidedly lacking in ‘arch hyphens’ (*see all issues of various Spidermani [4] ‘Nuff said!—Stan Lee)
  4. Hai Kulture hosts the annual ‘Pluralize-Everything-with-the Letter-I Day’ on The FaceSpace. Join in on the fun this year and ask your workmate if they have any ‘stapli!’

© 2011-2017 Hai Kulture (Designated Author Written Content) All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

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