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Ku-less – Hai-lidays: Weekend of the Wheaton

Pop Culture, Entertainment, Television, Wil Wheaton, Geek Love, Labor Day,

Wheekend of the Wheaton

 

This Labor Day Weekend

Hai Kulture Vs. The W2

In The Mud!!!

[1] / [2]

 (With download of Mud App for I-Phone or Droid)

 

Hai Kulture Presents: The Get More ‘Like’ s than Wil Wheaton Weekend

 

On a Facebook near you

https://www.facebook.com/Haikulture

(So near-it’s just a single click!)

Get The Invite! “Love’ the ‘Like’

And please, please, please…share it with your friends like a warm and friendly STD…OF LOVE!

Only you can prevent Wil Wheaton’s popularity over our own.

Fizzy Fruity Drinks with little umbrellas all around!

(Sponsored by the Society for Shamelessly Increasing Traffic on This Website)
(It’s the last time-we promise—–Hai 🙂 )

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Mud  App optional. Mud App only applies where applicable. Hai Kulture is not responsible for any data loss due to the downloading of the Mud App. Hai Kulture is not affiliated with Mud App. Hai Kukture would actually prefer if you didn’t download Mud App as these are new shoes. I mean where are we going to change? Do YOU even HAVE a spare tankini?

    Mud App may cause an increased compulsion to gamble. If using, downloading, or even thinking of Mud App and you exhibit signs of a heart attack – please consult a physician. Actually, if you show signs of a heart attack, consult a physician in general. It seems like a good idea. Oh and definitely if you start bleeding out of an orifice-any of them. Do not download Mud App on an empty stomach. Do not use Mud App if Mud App persists for more than 4 hours. Do not operate heavy machinery while using Mud App. Do not get Mud App in eyes. Do not taunt Mud App.

    Do not ingest Mud App as rumor has it is made from that stuff that was in Stretch Armstrong™ and that was bad.

    Remember- your Mom wouldn’t let you get one after watching the news. Then she called your friend’s mom and said ‘Stretch Armstrong™ is filled with space toxins’ and your friend’s mom made him throw it out. He was mad at you for weeks. He stopped sharing his fruit roll-ups with you and almost made Charlie McGlusky his best friend in your place. Remember Charlie McGlusky?! That freak ate paste and almost replaced you on the great 3rd grade totem pole of popularity. Do you want that to happen again over some stupid Mud App????!!! No!!!!!!!

    Those were dark times. It isn’t worth it.

  2. You know who probably IS downloading Mud App – Wil Wheaton. Do you want to be like him? I mean if Wil Wheaton jumped off a bridge…

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-two

Thy eye offends thee-

then use Visine. Other eyes –

Oedipal wreckage

 

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Second

Wheaton Harder

 

Personally, I’m just a firm believer that having an arch-nemesis around livens things up.

Just pick a random person and make them the root of all evil.

I do it all the time. The workday goes faster. There is less downtime at the Laundromat. Oil changes become a Machiavellian dance on a Jiffy Lube chessboard.

I even pick a ‘vacation arch-nemesis’ when I frequent the beach in summers.

If you are curious, I find a Bed and Breakfast lends itself to the arch-nemesis scenario. There’s always someone to catch with a knowing arched eyebrow over the coffee mug at communal breakfast. Someone to draw purposefully into an inane conversation to foil his dastardly plot of — quietly reading the paper. Someone to make sure that you score the only porch rocker before they do. Someone heading out to the sand and the sun, to watch through the banister, as you crouch low on the stairway and whisper, ‘What exactly is your game, Sir?’ (Struggling with an over-sized umbrella while locking your door is fooling no one.)

On this The Vast Interwebby Thing, the Royal We of Hai Kulture choose you, Wil Wheaton.

We are a pop culture website after all -we need a nemesis of decent bubblegummy archiness.

Enter Wil Wheaton.

He gives good nemesis. He is of a similar age (the Lex Luthor vibe). He is far wealthier than I (classic reverse Batman scenario). He wore a kilt in various webisodes of The Guild (which is as close as I want to get to a guy in a leopard print loincloth in this lifetime). He’s a former Trekker with a beard (and if ‘Mirror, Mirror’ teaches anything: beards = bad).

Fine-right now you are saying one of two things:

A) Who in the hell is Wil Wheaton?

or:

B) It’s been done.

A| A quick and dirty, biased, and statistically unfounded poll here at The Hai Kulture Dojo, involving my cell phone and texts to less people than I could count on both hands if I were a carny, has shown that almost no one under the age of thirty knows who (‘in the hell’ or outside of it) Wil Wheaton is. The back end of my demographic just fell to the floor faster than an unmentionable in a Live song. [5]

I’m still sticking with it.

(Oh and sorry Wil, that factoid is hurting me as much as it hurts you.)

B| Yes, those of you who know just who in the hell Wil Wheaton is, also realize that it has been done before. The Wheaton has been playing up an evil parody of himself on various programs. ‘Leverage’, ‘The Guild’, and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ all feature Wil Wheaton: Arch-nemesis. I just want it to be known I got there first. The Wheaton has been baning my existence long before Chuck Lorre had his hands on Charlie Sheen, let alone tried to wash them of him.

You have your doubts. I understand completely.

Well, ready your spoons of justice and prepare to break through the weird milky skin of uncertainty to some chocolatey goodness of truth.

And I’ll cook up some pudding made with proof.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Televison Humor Wil Wheaton (evil)

Whrath of The Wheaton

(To be continued)

— PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Here’s a hint: ‘Lightning Crashes’. Here’s another hint: Why would I be afraid to mention ‘intentions’?

Ku-less – Hai-lidays: The War of the Wheaton: Arch Nemesis Day!

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Reprieve

 

The Christmas (in July) Truce

 

Happy Birthday to WilThe Wheaton Wheaton!!!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Hai-liday Wil Wheaton Arch Nemesis

Arrrr! Here There Be Wheatons!

 

The Official ‘Kujo’ Hai-liday for July 29th is:

 

Arch-Nemesis Day

 

Now go out there and foil someone’s dastardly master plans while they arrogantly explain them in great detail to you!

War of The Wheaton – The Haiku

You are  ‘Just A Geek’

Wil Wheaton! Find this Blood Feud

Far from Starfleetin’

Something Wheaton  This Way Comes…Part the First

Beginnings and Strange Days

 

 

Granted this is not my best work by far, but the haiku couplet is a nice touch. In my defense, Dr. Seuss squeezed quite a bit of forced meter from nonsensical stones in his day:

 

Moonin’ K. Marvey, we have to leave in a bit!
(Now to make up a word and make this rhyme fit.)

 

 

I’m on to you Geisel!

 

Campy as Bacon’s [1] choices may have been at times, I have always liked the ‘Shakespearean’ couplet. Its sharp punch signaled something was afoot, someone had a head of steam, moustaches were being twirled, and the pot was being stirred-albeit rather slowly and at a very low heat.

 

“Hang in there groundlings-we’re getting there…”

 

Eventually.

 

(That – or “Go get a refreshing bowl of mud, it’s the end of Act XVII!”)

 

So, with the Hai Kulture Reboot’d launch a week and change out, it’s time to stir some pots, hang some drapes, and create a little mythos.

 

Announcing:

 

The Hai Kulture/Wil Wheaton ‘Blood Feud’

 

Because everything is better with an arch-nemesis!

 

It’s true.

 

Would Bruce Wayne have ever traded money belt for utility, were it not for The Joker? Bat Shark Repellent ™ (Wayne Industries) – but a beautiful dream.

 

Would The Man of Steel just continuously kick pigskins over cornfields if he hadn’t been the cause of his super-smart chum’s sudden case of Evil Alopecia?

 

Would Peter Parker have a cute flame-haired girlfriend if he never had the opportunity to do a bit of web slinging and face punching? He should really pen a nice thank-you note to that guy in the leopard print loincloth and the other chap with the fishbowl on his head. [2] [3]/[4]

 

Would Doctor Strange…?

 

Actually, I have absolutely NO idea what Doctor Strange does, even with an arch-nemesis. I always assumed he just stayed back at headquarters cooking Salisbury steak dinner for everyone else who was out saving the world.

 

Let us leave the be-aproned Doctor Stephen Strange to a dimly lit Avengers dining hall, as the candles burn low and the dinners grow cold, and get back to the blood feud in question.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Humor Entertainment Wil Wheaton (Evil)

War of The Wheaton

(To Be Continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Who wants to play ‘Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon’? I’ll start-Shakespeare: zero.
  2. That guy in the leopard print loincloth (Kraven the Hunter). The other chap with the fishbowl on his head (Mysterio). Excelsior!
  3. Admittedly, Spiderman’s ‘nemesi’ [4] are decidedly lacking in ‘arch hyphens’ (*see all issues of various Spidermani [4] ‘Nuff said!—Stan Lee)
  4. Hai Kulture hosts the annual ‘Pluralize-Everything-with-the Letter-I Day’ on The FaceSpace. Join in on the fun this year and ask your workmate if they have any ‘stapli!’

© 2011-2017 Hai Kulture (Designated Author Written Content) All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

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