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War of The Wheaton – The Hai-Four

Battle Pen to Sword

Who is mightier? Sharpie ™-

The tip always felt

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fourth

 Fan (dissed) Service or Origins ™ Story

 

 

It’s time for a little face time with W-Squared

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher

Meta Evil with (W-Squared) 2

 

It’s like looking into a mirror looking into a mirror staring into The Abyss. [9]

 

I have met The Wheaton on two occasions. The first was during the Crusher salad days at a Sci-Fi(nance) convention. [10] Wheaton was the big ringer that day. He had left the show about a year back and all the buzz was Starfleet Academy.

 

‘When will there be Starfleet Academy?’

 

‘Oh, Wil-I can’t wait for Starfleet Academy!’

 

‘Something about cookies and milk and Starfleet Academy’ punctuated by a squeal.

 

My friends and I attended this venture with the dual purposes of dropping 80 dolllars of mid-nineties currency on plastic junk and taking Wil Wheaton down a peg.

 

Damn that likable rogue! He gave a charismatic panel. He was healing people who touched the hem of his trendy kitsch t-shirt. He was personable while signing autographs.

 

(Yes-fine! I will freely admit I waited two hours in line for his autograph. Not that I really wanted it. I didn’t. Honest. Every geek girl who was crammed in that Shriner Fest capacity hotel and liked robots or would react to a ‘Don’t Panic’ [11] lapel button was in that line. I’m not stupid – that was one hour and forty minutes of chatting up geek girls before we turned a corner and Ensign Dreamboat hoved into view.)

 

The attack on Wheaton was three pronged that day and hatched while pawing through back issues of Doctor Who Monthly.

 

Prong One: The Befuddle

 

I slid a picture of Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show across the table toward his awaiting Sharpie ™

 

The Wheaton: “But…? This isn’t me…”

 

Me: “Why would I want a picture of you?”

 

And The Wheaton laughed.

 

He saw the sea of starry-eyed Starfleeters.

 

Wheaton knew the deal.

 

Touché

 

He remained firmly entrenched on all his respective pegs.

 

(The Wheaton: 1  Prongs: 0)

 

 

Prong Two: The Flip

 

My friend slides an actual picture of Crusher in all his Ensigniness to the unwitting mark.

 

Friend: “Could you sign it ‘Wilbo’? ”

The Wheaton: “To ‘Wilbo’?”

 

Friend: “From ‘Wilbo'”

 

The Wheaton: (awkward pause with confused frowning) “…uh-uh…”

 

Set phaseres to phased.

 

The pegs looked tenuous.

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs: 1)

 

 

 

Prong Three: The Last Word

 

We yelled “Your TV Mom is hot!!!” and ran away.

 

Ha! Touché back atcha!

 

The old double touché

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs 2)

 

 

Wheaton Strike Two: Give the people what they want!

 

Were we really the first ‘Wilbo’ that day??? C’mon!

 

Doctor Zachary Smith from Lost in Space signed his photo ‘Tiger Smith’ in homage to the time he boxed Robot and let me tell you – that chap had class.

 

‘Wilbo’ Wheaton has never boxed with a robot!

 

(Although according to Queensbury rules, I don’t think I can call that a legitimate strike.)

 

As a footnote to this, the second occasion I met Wil Wheaton was at a book signing for ‘Just A Geek’. The line was much thinner. The starry eyed glances were more fleeting. We chatted a minute or two and I relayed The ‘Wilbo’ Incident to him. He laughed and graciously signed the book ‘Wilbo’ of his own accord.

 

Fine.

 

Wheaton Strike One and a Half

 

Well played, Wheaton. Well played.

 

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Abyss (def): endless void or a movie with Ed Harris and some watery CGI mooks. Either way, something you don’t want to stare at for too long.
  2. Term for a convention of no particular theme and a hodge-podge of guests whose only connection is cancelled shows, free time, and needing a buck. This one was called Origins ™. Sweet, sweet irony.
  3. That little green globey guy’s tongue is the Mick Jagger lips of SF.

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