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War of the Wheaton – The Hai-Five

Beauty heartbroken

By smug kilt-wearing gamer

I ask: What the Fawkes?!!?!

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fifth

Fawkes Pas or The Guilded Butterfly Incident

 

 

 

(If you have a copy of Grieg’s ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ start playing….

 

…now)

 

(And if not – Hai has kindly provided you with a copy 🙂 —Love, Hai :-*  ) [11.5]

 

In_the_Hall_of_the_Mountain_King

 

Time to turn down the lights…

 

Now, where were we?

 

Ah yes…

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil)

W For Whendetta

This guy.

 

The Wheaton.

 

W-Squared.

(or W2 with the new superscript button — Love, Hai)

 

Good ol’  ‘Wilbo’.

 

Time to step up to the plate for strike three.

 

(Are you up to the dramatic fasty bit at the end of the song? I’ll wait…)

(So…how was your day?)

(Ok. Ready? Let’s go!)

 

Ummm…

 

He’s kissed Felicia Day. I’m just going to throw that out there.

 

AND he made her fictitiously sad! [12]

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) The Guild Felcia Day

The beautiful Felicia Day besmirched by sadness :(

(Not to weaken my argument, but it is impossible to find a distressed picture of Ms. Day. She is far too adorable. [13] After an extensive Internet search, the most I could come up with is ‘Codex nonplussed’. )

 

(This pops the seal on the can of worms of nonplussines. Do I mean ‘vexed’ or ‘unfazed’? Hey-I didn’t decide to go on the neologism rampage in the past decade! Let’s just say, at most, she was ‘plussed’. Arguably not a word, but if people are going to flip words derived from the Latin on their tail, I’m going to start making things up. Plussed: it’s both ‘vexy’ AND ‘fazy’. Pencil THAT  into the margin of your Funk and Wagnalls!)

 

(And don’t go saying she’s somewhat come-hither in the above photo. Squint a bit and she’s slightly ticked off. Work with me here! It’s late and I’ve spent two hours sifting through photos of ‘The Day of Sunshine’ [14] looking like a cute fluffy bunny who has momentarily misplaced a carrot. An extremely plussy, cute, fluffy bunny in the above case.)

 

She was sad. Season 3 & 4 of ‘The Guild’. I have it on DVD. Come over and I’ll show you or just check it out at:  http://www.watchtheguild.com/  – so I don’t have to tidy up.

 

I’ll give you one guess as to the cause. Here’s a hint-it rhymes with Wheat Thin.

 

Good. Glad we are on the same page again.

 

No one should make Felicia Day sad or even borderline plussed.

 

Wheaton Strike Three (Rounded up): YOU BASTARD!

 

Gotcha!

 

Let the ‘Blood Feud’ commence!

 

Sorry – Wilbo. It really is nothing personal. [15] / [16]

 

It’s just all the cool geeks are doing it. 🙂

 

FIN…?

 

—PepperJack

 

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. This is a bit of a Spoiler Alert : Redundancy from the Hai Kulture 2.0 reboot, but I honestly was extremely pleased with myself when I figured out Audio Player and snuck it in that afternoon after Seward posted. It stays! —Hai
  2. I love Felicia Day. Just a little.
  3. She is adorable.
  4. With all the adorableness, it stands to reason she is cute also.
  5. In all honesty, I have nothing against Wil Wheaton. He’s an open gamer, ‘out-of-the-dungeon’ geek, seemed like a pretty cool (and non-litigious) guy when I met him, and even parodies himself ala ‘The Shat’.  [16] I have nothing but respect for that. He’s alive and well and living in exile: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ . Check it out. It’s true; he’s not a dick.

    (But I did change my spellchecker to recognize ‘Wilbo’ – so the whole blood feud thing – I really should go through with it to save face.)

  6. There are those who deem referring to William Shatner as ‘The Shat’ insulting. I disagree. He’s not ‘shat’; he’s ‘The Shat’. Difference = huge

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-two

Thy eye offends thee-

then use Visine. Other eyes –

Oedipal wreckage

 

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Second

Wheaton Harder

 

Personally, I’m just a firm believer that having an arch-nemesis around livens things up.

Just pick a random person and make them the root of all evil.

I do it all the time. The workday goes faster. There is less downtime at the Laundromat. Oil changes become a Machiavellian dance on a Jiffy Lube chessboard.

I even pick a ‘vacation arch-nemesis’ when I frequent the beach in summers.

If you are curious, I find a Bed and Breakfast lends itself to the arch-nemesis scenario. There’s always someone to catch with a knowing arched eyebrow over the coffee mug at communal breakfast. Someone to draw purposefully into an inane conversation to foil his dastardly plot of — quietly reading the paper. Someone to make sure that you score the only porch rocker before they do. Someone heading out to the sand and the sun, to watch through the banister, as you crouch low on the stairway and whisper, ‘What exactly is your game, Sir?’ (Struggling with an over-sized umbrella while locking your door is fooling no one.)

On this The Vast Interwebby Thing, the Royal We of Hai Kulture choose you, Wil Wheaton.

We are a pop culture website after all -we need a nemesis of decent bubblegummy archiness.

Enter Wil Wheaton.

He gives good nemesis. He is of a similar age (the Lex Luthor vibe). He is far wealthier than I (classic reverse Batman scenario). He wore a kilt in various webisodes of The Guild (which is as close as I want to get to a guy in a leopard print loincloth in this lifetime). He’s a former Trekker with a beard (and if ‘Mirror, Mirror’ teaches anything: beards = bad).

Fine-right now you are saying one of two things:

A) Who in the hell is Wil Wheaton?

or:

B) It’s been done.

A| A quick and dirty, biased, and statistically unfounded poll here at The Hai Kulture Dojo, involving my cell phone and texts to less people than I could count on both hands if I were a carny, has shown that almost no one under the age of thirty knows who (‘in the hell’ or outside of it) Wil Wheaton is. The back end of my demographic just fell to the floor faster than an unmentionable in a Live song. [5]

I’m still sticking with it.

(Oh and sorry Wil, that factoid is hurting me as much as it hurts you.)

B| Yes, those of you who know just who in the hell Wil Wheaton is, also realize that it has been done before. The Wheaton has been playing up an evil parody of himself on various programs. ‘Leverage’, ‘The Guild’, and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ all feature Wil Wheaton: Arch-nemesis. I just want it to be known I got there first. The Wheaton has been baning my existence long before Chuck Lorre had his hands on Charlie Sheen, let alone tried to wash them of him.

You have your doubts. I understand completely.

Well, ready your spoons of justice and prepare to break through the weird milky skin of uncertainty to some chocolatey goodness of truth.

And I’ll cook up some pudding made with proof.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Televison Humor Wil Wheaton (evil)

Whrath of The Wheaton

(To be continued)

— PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Here’s a hint: ‘Lightning Crashes’. Here’s another hint: Why would I be afraid to mention ‘intentions’?

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