Rss

Archives for : Starfleetin’

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-Four

Battle Pen to Sword

Who is mightier? Sharpie ™-

The tip always felt

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fourth

 Fan (dissed) Service or Origins ™ Story

 

 

It’s time for a little face time with W-Squared

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher

Meta Evil with (W-Squared) 2

 

It’s like looking into a mirror looking into a mirror staring into The Abyss. [9]

 

I have met The Wheaton on two occasions. The first was during the Crusher salad days at a Sci-Fi(nance) convention. [10] Wheaton was the big ringer that day. He had left the show about a year back and all the buzz was Starfleet Academy.

 

‘When will there be Starfleet Academy?’

 

‘Oh, Wil-I can’t wait for Starfleet Academy!’

 

‘Something about cookies and milk and Starfleet Academy’ punctuated by a squeal.

 

My friends and I attended this venture with the dual purposes of dropping 80 dolllars of mid-nineties currency on plastic junk and taking Wil Wheaton down a peg.

 

Damn that likable rogue! He gave a charismatic panel. He was healing people who touched the hem of his trendy kitsch t-shirt. He was personable while signing autographs.

 

(Yes-fine! I will freely admit I waited two hours in line for his autograph. Not that I really wanted it. I didn’t. Honest. Every geek girl who was crammed in that Shriner Fest capacity hotel and liked robots or would react to a ‘Don’t Panic’ [11] lapel button was in that line. I’m not stupid – that was one hour and forty minutes of chatting up geek girls before we turned a corner and Ensign Dreamboat hoved into view.)

 

The attack on Wheaton was three pronged that day and hatched while pawing through back issues of Doctor Who Monthly.

 

Prong One: The Befuddle

 

I slid a picture of Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show across the table toward his awaiting Sharpie ™

 

The Wheaton: “But…? This isn’t me…”

 

Me: “Why would I want a picture of you?”

 

And The Wheaton laughed.

 

He saw the sea of starry-eyed Starfleeters.

 

Wheaton knew the deal.

 

Touché

 

He remained firmly entrenched on all his respective pegs.

 

(The Wheaton: 1  Prongs: 0)

 

 

Prong Two: The Flip

 

My friend slides an actual picture of Crusher in all his Ensigniness to the unwitting mark.

 

Friend: “Could you sign it ‘Wilbo’? ”

The Wheaton: “To ‘Wilbo’?”

 

Friend: “From ‘Wilbo'”

 

The Wheaton: (awkward pause with confused frowning) “…uh-uh…”

 

Set phaseres to phased.

 

The pegs looked tenuous.

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs: 1)

 

 

 

Prong Three: The Last Word

 

We yelled “Your TV Mom is hot!!!” and ran away.

 

Ha! Touché back atcha!

 

The old double touché

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs 2)

 

 

Wheaton Strike Two: Give the people what they want!

 

Were we really the first ‘Wilbo’ that day??? C’mon!

 

Doctor Zachary Smith from Lost in Space signed his photo ‘Tiger Smith’ in homage to the time he boxed Robot and let me tell you – that chap had class.

 

‘Wilbo’ Wheaton has never boxed with a robot!

 

(Although according to Queensbury rules, I don’t think I can call that a legitimate strike.)

 

As a footnote to this, the second occasion I met Wil Wheaton was at a book signing for ‘Just A Geek’. The line was much thinner. The starry eyed glances were more fleeting. We chatted a minute or two and I relayed The ‘Wilbo’ Incident to him. He laughed and graciously signed the book ‘Wilbo’ of his own accord.

 

Fine.

 

Wheaton Strike One and a Half

 

Well played, Wheaton. Well played.

 

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Abyss (def): endless void or a movie with Ed Harris and some watery CGI mooks. Either way, something you don’t want to stare at for too long.
  2. Term for a convention of no particular theme and a hodge-podge of guests whose only connection is cancelled shows, free time, and needing a buck. This one was called Origins ™. Sweet, sweet irony.
  3. That little green globey guy’s tongue is the Mick Jagger lips of SF.

The War of The Wheaton – The Hai-three

Blush-Giggle-Clap-Clap

Bounce-Dance-Giggle-Squeal-Swoon (*groan*)

Enter: The Wheaton

 

  Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Third

Dreamboat Willie or The Starfleetin’ Incident

 

 

That boldface *groan* – that’s from me.

 

A little Author in the Haiku Aether moment.

 

It is a groan of dismay and not because I suddenly found myself surrounded by Aether. [6] / [7]

 

It has never been easy for ‘Geek Boy Seeking Geek Girl’. Shake your trusted Crown Royal ‘Bag of Holding’ and your assortment of D-20s in the wrong direction and you can clear a room of potential suitors faster than Odysseus back in Ithaca-town. [8]

 

Remember this simple equation kids: D+D=D+O+A

 

Not mathematically sound, but it increases the circumference of your social bubble.

 

Then…

 

Enter: The Wheaton

 

Back in the day, Wheaton set the geek bar.

 

These days, I cannot even imagine the flaming hoops one has to jump through to impress geek girls as they sit about and wait for vampires to ask them to prom.

 

In the mid-nineties, there was only one shadow to live in. A man-boy sized shadow.

 

Wesley Crusher.

 

Oh look! There he is now…

 

Poking his nose into my Aether!

 

This is mine! Get your own Aether!

 

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Ensign Smiley Britches

GAH! Look at that smug smile!

 

He’s probably fresh from saving The Enterprise…again!

 

I once had a girlfriend who thought him ‘The Dreamiest’.

 

 

(Her words not mine and words said quite frequently- quite frequently with squealing…quite frequently with squealing and little bouncy dances with hand clapping. Squeal-dance-clap. Rinse and repeat, long before The Zumba was all the rage.)

 

Could I really fault her for it?

 

No, Crusher was made for geek girl crushing.

 

However, I am not one to take things like this lying down, standing up, or even arms akimbo. Jealous hands are the idle’s playground. Taxing the limits of my Print Shop [ver. some single digit], I took it upon myself to produce, as novelty gift toppers (and mostly for the purpose of giggling and cuddling reception), four issues of ‘Starfleetin.’

‘Starfleetin’ was a mock Wheaton self-produced fanzine detailing his exploits to get the defunct Starfleet Academy television series made. These exploits usually entailed W-Squared awkwardly auditioning girls in his basement and being disturbed by his mom bringing down grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade. It also featured an advice column where he just tried to get girls’ numbers.

I had it in for him a little…

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing Starflrrtin'

A Turin Shroud of Anti-Wheaton Comedy (recovered from a 3.5 tomb at 3am after a 5 hour seacrh)

 

The back of StarFleetin’ vol. 1 issue 1 (circa god knows when)

 

Featured: Ask Wilbo! advice column and an audition notice for StarFleet Academy: The Independent Film. (Bring/Wear Bathing Suit-No Fatties!)

 

 

 

 

(In reading the hard copy I’ve recently rediscovered said girlfriend once referred to The Wheaton as: ‘The Dreamland Cookie in my Bedtime Glass of Milk’. Set phasers to wrongness on so many levels.)

 

Ah- at least revenge is a dish best paid Ten Forward!

 

 

 

Wheaton Strike One: Never make another guy’s girl do the clappy-dance.

 

…and stay out of his Aether!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Good Wil Hunting

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Aether (def.) The thick vapors that make up space and hold all the planets and stars and wobbly bits in place. According to the Victorians [7], you could breathe in it if you were wearing a pith helmet and fly to the moon in it if you had a steam-punk’d frigate.
  2.  Victorians (def.): People long on pocket watches and short on astro-navagation.
  3. Spoiler Alert:understatement. Odysseus popped back to Ithaca after a little side jaunt and killed some suitors.Circa 1174 B.C. was a very rough season of ‘The Bachelorette’.

© 2011-2017 Hai Kulture (Designated Author Written Content) All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

show
 
close
rss Follow on Twitter facebook email