Archives for : Haiku

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-two

Thy eye offends thee-

then use Visine. Other eyes –

Oedipal wreckage




Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Second

Wheaton Harder


Personally, I’m just a firm believer that having an arch-nemesis around livens things up.

Just pick a random person and make them the root of all evil.

I do it all the time. The workday goes faster. There is less downtime at the Laundromat. Oil changes become a Machiavellian dance on a Jiffy Lube chessboard.

I even pick a ‘vacation arch-nemesis’ when I frequent the beach in summers.

If you are curious, I find a Bed and Breakfast lends itself to the arch-nemesis scenario. There’s always someone to catch with a knowing arched eyebrow over the coffee mug at communal breakfast. Someone to draw purposefully into an inane conversation to foil his dastardly plot of — quietly reading the paper. Someone to make sure that you score the only porch rocker before they do. Someone heading out to the sand and the sun, to watch through the banister, as you crouch low on the stairway and whisper, ‘What exactly is your game, Sir?’ (Struggling with an over-sized umbrella while locking your door is fooling no one.)

On this The Vast Interwebby Thing, the Royal We of Hai Kulture choose you, Wil Wheaton.

We are a pop culture website after all -we need a nemesis of decent bubblegummy archiness.

Enter Wil Wheaton.

He gives good nemesis. He is of a similar age (the Lex Luthor vibe). He is far wealthier than I (classic reverse Batman scenario). He wore a kilt in various webisodes of The Guild (which is as close as I want to get to a guy in a leopard print loincloth in this lifetime). He’s a former Trekker with a beard (and if ‘Mirror, Mirror’ teaches anything: beards = bad).

Fine-right now you are saying one of two things:

A) Who in the hell is Wil Wheaton?


B) It’s been done.

A| A quick and dirty, biased, and statistically unfounded poll here at The Hai Kulture Dojo, involving my cell phone and texts to less people than I could count on both hands if I were a carny, has shown that almost no one under the age of thirty knows who (‘in the hell’ or outside of it) Wil Wheaton is. The back end of my demographic just fell to the floor faster than an unmentionable in a Live song. [5]

I’m still sticking with it.

(Oh and sorry Wil, that factoid is hurting me as much as it hurts you.)

B| Yes, those of you who know just who in the hell Wil Wheaton is, also realize that it has been done before. The Wheaton has been playing up an evil parody of himself on various programs. ‘Leverage’, ‘The Guild’, and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ all feature Wil Wheaton: Arch-nemesis. I just want it to be known I got there first. The Wheaton has been baning my existence long before Chuck Lorre had his hands on Charlie Sheen, let alone tried to wash them of him.

You have your doubts. I understand completely.

Well, ready your spoons of justice and prepare to break through the weird milky skin of uncertainty to some chocolatey goodness of truth.

And I’ll cook up some pudding made with proof.


Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Televison Humor Wil Wheaton (evil)

Whrath of The Wheaton

(To be continued)

— PepperJack


Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Here’s a hint: ‘Lightning Crashes’. Here’s another hint: Why would I be afraid to mention ‘intentions’?

War of The Wheaton – The Haiku

You are  ‘Just A Geek’

Wil Wheaton! Find this Blood Feud

Far from Starfleetin’

Something Wheaton  This Way Comes…Part the First

Beginnings and Strange Days



Granted this is not my best work by far, but the haiku couplet is a nice touch. In my defense, Dr. Seuss squeezed quite a bit of forced meter from nonsensical stones in his day:


Moonin’ K. Marvey, we have to leave in a bit!
(Now to make up a word and make this rhyme fit.)



I’m on to you Geisel!


Campy as Bacon’s [1] choices may have been at times, I have always liked the ‘Shakespearean’ couplet. Its sharp punch signaled something was afoot, someone had a head of steam, moustaches were being twirled, and the pot was being stirred-albeit rather slowly and at a very low heat.


“Hang in there groundlings-we’re getting there…”




(That – or “Go get a refreshing bowl of mud, it’s the end of Act XVII!”)


So, with the Hai Kulture Reboot’d launch a week and change out, it’s time to stir some pots, hang some drapes, and create a little mythos.




The Hai Kulture/Wil Wheaton ‘Blood Feud’


Because everything is better with an arch-nemesis!


It’s true.


Would Bruce Wayne have ever traded money belt for utility, were it not for The Joker? Bat Shark Repellent ™ (Wayne Industries) – but a beautiful dream.


Would The Man of Steel just continuously kick pigskins over cornfields if he hadn’t been the cause of his super-smart chum’s sudden case of Evil Alopecia?


Would Peter Parker have a cute flame-haired girlfriend if he never had the opportunity to do a bit of web slinging and face punching? He should really pen a nice thank-you note to that guy in the leopard print loincloth and the other chap with the fishbowl on his head. [2] [3]/[4]


Would Doctor Strange…?


Actually, I have absolutely NO idea what Doctor Strange does, even with an arch-nemesis. I always assumed he just stayed back at headquarters cooking Salisbury steak dinner for everyone else who was out saving the world.


Let us leave the be-aproned Doctor Stephen Strange to a dimly lit Avengers dining hall, as the candles burn low and the dinners grow cold, and get back to the blood feud in question.


Pop Culture Haiku Television Humor Entertainment Wil Wheaton (Evil)

War of The Wheaton

(To Be Continued)




Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Who wants to play ‘Six Degrees of Sir Francis Bacon’? I’ll start-Shakespeare: zero.
  2. That guy in the leopard print loincloth (Kraven the Hunter). The other chap with the fishbowl on his head (Mysterio). Excelsior!
  3. Admittedly, Spiderman’s ‘nemesi’ [4] are decidedly lacking in ‘arch hyphens’ (*see all issues of various Spidermani [4] ‘Nuff said!—Stan Lee)
  4. Hai Kulture hosts the annual ‘Pluralize-Everything-with-the Letter-I Day’ on The FaceSpace. Join in on the fun this year and ask your workmate if they have any ‘stapli!’

Hai Kulture: Coming July 2011 (ummm..endish?) -The Haiku

Hai Kulture: Coming July 2011 (ummm..endish?) -The Haiku

While ‘Tronning’ [1] the site for the Hai Kulture 2.0 reboot, I debated chucking this in the electronic scrap drawer. What’s the point of reading a post about not posting on a blog that at the time was not blog? I can’t answer that. And as we speak (well-as I type then you read …eventually…please…?) I have a huge scary WordPress tome on my lap and I feel sexy. Bottom line: I just like the ‘Tag’ about ‘The Bible as a weapon’…so it stays!


****        ****          ****


Flow – O Swift Sarcasm!

(Alas – this foul WordPress ™ book-

three-hundred page plod)


WordPress books are a drag…


I don’t mind being a creative person. I have enough years under the belt to come to terms with the inherent mood swing-set insanity, the poor clothing choices, and the need to sleep until clocks sweep into sweet double digits that come with the territory. I don’t even mind that my particular Muse decides to punch her time card well past midnight. In fact, I decided to ‘blog’ to give her a late night kiddie pool of muddy stream of consciousness run-off to splash around in while I creatively ‘don’t kiss the Morpheus.’


WordPress books just put me to sleep…


So, at least I’ll sleep well until I actually create the blog.


And that- that’s what irony is all about, Ms. Morissette.


Now, I by no means want to suggest that the two particular WordPress books I’m using are lacking, or even foul, as I poetically licensed. They are invaluable resources; technology just burns like a thousand suns.


(Ok-Beginning WordPress 3 frightens me a little. It’s like a Bible. It is Gutenberg thick and imposing – like a Bible. It could kill a small child if it fell a short distance – like a Bible. When I hold it, I feel vaguely uncomfortable – like a Bible. When I open it and try to read it, I get confused – like a Bible.)


(Honestly, I really should crack it open and put it to some use before the zombies come…)


(…like a Bible.)


Sams Teach Yourself WordPress in 10 minutes is an amazing resource. (I wouldn’t be changing font sizes, let alone writing this, without it.) It literally teaches WordPress functionality in informative 10 minute lessons.


6,000 of them.


(I’m no Mathlete, but even I should have realized anything with 200 odd pages doesn’t equate with 10 minute insta-knowledge.)


Tonight’s lesson is ‘Colors’; I am very excited!


Hopefully, I will soon be able to do something about that tree… [2] [3]


—Hai Kulture






Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. ‘Tronning’ (def) Hai’s self appointed ‘trope’ for becoming one with technology or ‘getting her tech on’. These vast feats of wizardry range from turning on an I-Phone to breaking back end code at 3am and causing a log-in shut out error loop. She also considers playing Angry Birds tronning and will kick you square in the face if you bother her.  
  2. Twenty-Ten Theme. Chopp’d.
  3. With the sincerest of thanks to Beginning WordPress 3 (Stephanie Leary) and Sams Teach Yourself WordPress in 10 Minutes (Chuck Tomasi. Kreg Steppe). They are very, very, very helpful WordPress start-up resources. Also a shout-out to WordPress 3 Complete (April Hodge Silver). It has been living in a bag by the futon for a few weeks, but looks very informative.

    (Now=Sexy) — Hai 😉 )


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