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Ku-less – Hai-lidays: Unjump The Shark Day

Hai Kulture, Pop Culture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Television, Trope, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Unjump the Shark,

Taking Back ‘The Cool’

 

September 20th, 1977

‘The Fonz’ clad in swim trunks and leather jacket jumped a shark, forever reducing his level of cool with pop anthropologists everywhere and forcing him to take up the cross of idiom.

 

September 20th, 2011

Help ‘The Fonz’ unjump that shark by going out and doing something cool!

 

Bang a jukebox, snap your fingers and make random girls appear out of nowhere, or defeat Robin Williams’ mind control with the power of your thumb.

 

Help the memory of ‘The Fonz’ be cool again by being cool yourself!

 

Make Today A Day That Will Live in Inf ‘aaay’my!!!!

 

Sponsored by Hai Kulture   (http://haikulture.com/) and The Bubblegum Nightclub (http://www.bubblegumnightclub.com/) [1]

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166198736796423

     


 


Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Be cool responsibly! Event sponsors are not held accountable for broken or damaged fists from jukebox banging, frustration at the inability to find a jukebox or make girls appear from nowhere in this day and age, macing from said girls who appear from nowhere (or just general female street presence), hypothermia from wearing only a scarf and t-shirt in colder climes, Houdini water tank deaths, getting blown to ‘Only Boots-dom Come’ by the Candyman, getting lost in time with an anthropomorphic dog that mimics you, and any and all mishaps, injuries, arrests, and fatalities that may occur while attempting to be ‘cool’.

Shark Weak: Da Fonz – Da Hai-Two

Jukebox. Pinball. Lights.

 Broken Washer? No Problem!

Leather clad Clapper ™

 

 

Shark Weak: Part II

Unjumping the Shark: The Fonz-a-thon Equilibrium Principle

 

 

As a nation we have turned our back on the Fonz. We mockingly celebrate The Shark for a week every year and celebrate mocking The King of Cool with idiomatic stigma.

 

Keep your ‘Shark Week’ – I’ll celebrate ‘Jump Day!’ September 20th:  A day in 1977 the huddled masses bathed in technicolor glare, held their collective breath, and began a long, slow raspberry in the direction of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli.

 

Let the ill and somewhat spittley winds blow as they will for I know that Fonzie achieved a Nirvana of Cool that day. The path to enlightenment is discovered through vision, deed, and righteousness.

 

Vision – He saw the shark.

 

Deed – He jumped the shark.

 

Righteousness – Swim trunks and a leather jacket for ‘Ye it was asked among the people is there a raiment more righteous?’ Fonz 3:16 [11]

 

In modern tropism, what The Fonz achieved that day was a ‘Lockdown’ [12] : a single crystalized moment of awesome awesomness that embeds itself in one’s psyche. This moment becomes the fundamental image of recall overriding all other impressions of a show’s run.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor LOST Lockdown The Fonz Shark Weak

The ‘Lockdown’

 

Above: Brain Neuroimaging- PET result of a ‘Lockdown’

Subject was asked to recall impressions of a certain TV show

 

This kernel of pure awesome trapped in the amber of recall is so ingrained that it can blind one to the exponential lessening in awesome that inevitably follows thereafter. In fact, in our Hai Sci labs down at The Kujo, we ran some Nielson correlations. At its most potent, The Lockdown has been known to act as a dayglo and blacklight beacon, so powerful it can shepherd one through a mediocre final season of randomness and about 45 minutes into a finale of ‘You said you wouldn’t!!!!’ [13]

 

Hero worship can subsist for eternity on the endless Mobius strip of re-runs.

 

With regret and the advent of Nick-at-Night and TV Land, I caught glimpses of a tarnished idol that I never saw in the endless re-run loop of childhood. What I saw wasn’t cool – but chilling. The Fonz had been Oliver!’d [14]. The Fonz was teaching at a tech school like a poor man’s Kotter. With nary a shark in sight, I crushed that uncool shadow of The Man into a blip of light with a quick remote press.

 

But I come to praise Fonzarelli, not to bury him.

 

Whatever chinks in his worn leather armor I refused to witness, cannot be placed on the doorstep of his garage apartment (which he probably didn’t even have anymore-because who was he?) The blame cannot be placed on the Fonz, the shark, or any amount of jumping betwixt the two. The blame lies on writers, producers, and executives who simply don’t stop. The same triumvirate who foist a thing like Urkel on us and then poke him like a baited bear so he dances on our screens until he is in need of cataract surgery.

 

Oh there be sharks in these waters that even the Fonz cannot conquer.

 

There is a saturation point in entertainment that no one seems to bother with. A boundary defined and determined by what Hai Sci Laboratories calls The Fonz-a-thon Equilibrium Principle:

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Fonzie The Fonz Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Too much of a cool thing = tragedy

 

 

(AAYYY) N= U+M+M+M

 

as N ∑ ∞ [15]

 

Too much of a cool thing eventually becomes tragic

 

Leather Jacket: Cool

 

Leather Pants: Tragedy

 

One Eyepatch: Cool

 

Two Eyepatches: Tragedy

 

Sombrero: Cool

 

The Alamo: Tragedy

 

Just know when to hold, fold, and walk away Burbank.

 

I never wore my sky blue Fonzie tee until it was bursting at pubescent seams. I retired it with reverence to a drawer and I’m sure it now resides entombed in cardboard like an Ark of The Covenant in Awesome, shining with black light and dayglo cool in the shadow warehouse called Mom’s Basement 13.

 

It may be faded. It may be worn. It may slightly pink on the hem from when Kristy Federwitz and I decided to make a ‘million dollars’ by selling Kool-Aid and slightly brown from when she threw mud at me because we didn’t.

 

But it isn’t a rag.

 

It isn’t unrecognizable.

 

It still is the Fonz and it still is cool.

 

—PepperJack

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. ‘And lo it was said unto the people:”It would be easier for Dick Dastardly to stop that pigeon than it would be for Scrappy Doo to not receive a punch in his annoying mug from everyone he met.”
  2.  LOST (SEASON 2:EPISODE 17) or the day I discovered my DVD player had a zoom function
  3. Cuse and Lindelof (def): FUCKERS
  4. OLIVER!’D (def): A derivation of the ‘Cousin Oliver’ trope.Much like that annoying little waif with the bowl and the bottomless stomach, a young child character is introduced as a distraction on an iron lunger TV show with a hand out wanting ‘more’ of your attention and laughter
  5. TAKE THAT ‘BEAUTIFUL MIND’ GUY WITH YOUR NOBEL PRIZE IN HOT BLONDE THEOREMS AND YOUR JENNIFER CONNELLY WIFE. THIS SEMI-ATTRACTIVE BRAIN IS GETTING THE NOBEL PRIZE IN NOTHINGNESS AND while I might not have Jennifer Connelly – ALL MY MAGAZINES ARE STILL INTACT!

Shark Weak: Da Fonz – Da Haiku

Garage Apartment?

Not cool! Aayyyy! Pinkie relax

They’re not MY parents!

 

 

Today at Hai Kulture, we address a hard issue and duck down some of the back alleys off Memory Lane to scratch at the sugary veneer of Candyland bliss. As a pop culture website, we are not afraid to poke at the bubblegum bubble upon which our world rests. We are not snarky elitists who just sit around drinking café purchased coffees with multiple syrups while voting on who is sporting the trendiest pair of faux glasses. [1] We are not afraid to get our hands dirty, or sticky as the case may be, and push against the boundaries of bubblegum-dom. We do so for you, we do so for the truth, and we do so with our fingertips, some convenient bits of stick, and the ear piece of some trendy faux glasses we just happened to find. [2] [3]/[4]

 

 A Hai Kulture Investigative Blog:

 

Shark Weak

The Effects of  Carcharodon carcharias Leapage on The Temperature Gradient of Non-Somatic Cool

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Fonzie Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Shark Weak?

 

A standard pop culture trope is ‘Jump the Shark’: a term used to describe a moment when something that was once great has reached a point where it will now decline in quality and popularity. This phrase refers to a Season 5 episode of Happy Days where the Fonz literally jumped a shark and like a leather clad messiah took the weight of a TV nation upon his shoulders.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Fonzie Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Last Supper At Arnold’s

 

Above: The Fonz ironically does his version of DaVinci’s ‘Jesus Jazz Hands’ [5] the moment he trades cool for the cross of idiom.

 

The Fonz had become a gimmick. A sham. Retire the leathers and retool the show as ‘My Two Potsies’.

 

I’m here to do what Investigative Blogalists do best: point a virtual finger and scream ‘No! Wrong!!!!!!’

 

‘No! Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

 

And you know you are – because jumping a shark is awesome!

I say – ‘JUMP THAT SHARK!!! JUMP IT NOW!!!’

Sadly, I never saw the original jump and to me that equates with missing the ‘Moon Landing’. [6] As age eight met with the early 80’s, I was a Syndication Baby. [7] / [8] My ‘Happy Days’ were five nights a week on the local UHF, brushing teeth to the closing theme, and fighting aliens with The Fonz in dreamland. For the record, I knew my Fonzie for I had ‘been groovin’ all week with him.

 

You never forget your first ‘Shark Jump’. That night. as he skied up that ramp for his umpteenth re-run, he did so only for me. That night, The Fonz took on the aliens single-handedly for I couldn’t sleep a wink. The Fonz had just defined ‘cool’.

 

‘Jumping the Shark’ doesn’t make Arthur Fonzerelli a joke. It defines him. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. The Fonz was supposed to punch jukeboxes and stop robots with a thumbs-down and a stern ‘woah’. He was supposed to stand up for the down trodden and steal Mrs. C’s cookies. This was the guy who solved mysteries and stopped the nefarious Candyman. He was a figure of myth, a god in syndication, and at a snap of his fingers it was ‘Aaaayyy! Let there be light!’ At his best, he was traveling through time in animated form [9] and at his besterest, the man jumped sharks.

 

He was the Fonz. He was cool. He jumped sharks.

 

I wore my sky blue t-shirt with the Fonzie iron-on [10]  to the playground with pride that weekend. (Actually, I wore it every weekend, but on this particular one I climbed to the top of the monkey bars for the first time.) A tribute paid in wide-eyed youthfulness to The Man Who Jumped Sharks.

 

And to this day, I don’t sport the simple yet elegant open leather jacket/single scarf look to stay warm in winter, but quite the opposite.

 

I do it to stay cool.

 

(To Be Continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. The KuJo is DECIDEDLY split between those who drink café purchased coffees with multiple syrups and those who wear trendy faux glasses.
  2. No one wanted to get particularly sticky that day – we had places to be in the afternoon.
  3. We did collect a cash pool for someone to press their face AGAINST The Bubblegum Boundaries of Pop Culture like Number Six in a Rover. [4]

    No takers.

  4. Rover (def:) Number Two’s badass Security Weather Balloon – The Prisoner (’67-’68)
  5. DaVinci’s ‘The Last Supper’ – While the JC has tabled his Jesus Jazz Hands for the gang, he is often depicted in a low to mid jazz hands arc.
  6. How did a bunch of guys travel through a massive belt of radiation in Jiffy Pop space suits when computers were still the size of my apartment? Answer: They didn’t.
  7. Syndication Baby (def:) A child weaned on the milk of UHF and instilled with the belief that shows such as ‘Gilligan’s Island’, ‘Bewitched’, and ‘The Dick van Dyke Show’ are fresh and new – leads to ‘Love Boat Shock Syndrome’ [8]
  8. A post traumatic stress disorder common in Sydication Babies. The shock brought on by seeing a re-runned television star suddenly age 20 years from that afternoon’s vintage show to guesting on that week’s ‘Love Boat’. First Lido Deck Appearances can lead to confusion and hiding under afghans.
  9. The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang was an animated saturday morning program in which The Fonz travelled through time having adventures narrated by Wolfman Jack. Just thinking about it makes me shiver with joy.
  10. The Fonzie Iron On: Me. The Sky Blue Chest Palette: My Mother. ‘You look good in blue. It brings out you eyes’ A retro thank you to the boardwalk t-shirt kid who didn’t laugh at a beleagured 8 year old.

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