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The War of The Wheaton – The Hai-three

Blush-Giggle-Clap-Clap

Bounce-Dance-Giggle-Squeal-Swoon (*groan*)

Enter: The Wheaton

 

  Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Third

Dreamboat Willie or The Starfleetin’ Incident

 

 

That boldface *groan* – that’s from me.

 

A little Author in the Haiku Aether moment.

 

It is a groan of dismay and not because I suddenly found myself surrounded by Aether. [6] / [7]

 

It has never been easy for ‘Geek Boy Seeking Geek Girl’. Shake your trusted Crown Royal ‘Bag of Holding’ and your assortment of D-20s in the wrong direction and you can clear a room of potential suitors faster than Odysseus back in Ithaca-town. [8]

 

Remember this simple equation kids: D+D=D+O+A

 

Not mathematically sound, but it increases the circumference of your social bubble.

 

Then…

 

Enter: The Wheaton

 

Back in the day, Wheaton set the geek bar.

 

These days, I cannot even imagine the flaming hoops one has to jump through to impress geek girls as they sit about and wait for vampires to ask them to prom.

 

In the mid-nineties, there was only one shadow to live in. A man-boy sized shadow.

 

Wesley Crusher.

 

Oh look! There he is now…

 

Poking his nose into my Aether!

 

This is mine! Get your own Aether!

 

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Ensign Smiley Britches

GAH! Look at that smug smile!

 

He’s probably fresh from saving The Enterprise…again!

 

I once had a girlfriend who thought him ‘The Dreamiest’.

 

 

(Her words not mine and words said quite frequently- quite frequently with squealing…quite frequently with squealing and little bouncy dances with hand clapping. Squeal-dance-clap. Rinse and repeat, long before The Zumba was all the rage.)

 

Could I really fault her for it?

 

No, Crusher was made for geek girl crushing.

 

However, I am not one to take things like this lying down, standing up, or even arms akimbo. Jealous hands are the idle’s playground. Taxing the limits of my Print Shop [ver. some single digit], I took it upon myself to produce, as novelty gift toppers (and mostly for the purpose of giggling and cuddling reception), four issues of ‘Starfleetin.’

‘Starfleetin’ was a mock Wheaton self-produced fanzine detailing his exploits to get the defunct Starfleet Academy television series made. These exploits usually entailed W-Squared awkwardly auditioning girls in his basement and being disturbed by his mom bringing down grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade. It also featured an advice column where he just tried to get girls’ numbers.

I had it in for him a little…

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing Starflrrtin'

A Turin Shroud of Anti-Wheaton Comedy (recovered from a 3.5 tomb at 3am after a 5 hour seacrh)

 

The back of StarFleetin’ vol. 1 issue 1 (circa god knows when)

 

Featured: Ask Wilbo! advice column and an audition notice for StarFleet Academy: The Independent Film. (Bring/Wear Bathing Suit-No Fatties!)

 

 

 

 

(In reading the hard copy I’ve recently rediscovered said girlfriend once referred to The Wheaton as: ‘The Dreamland Cookie in my Bedtime Glass of Milk’. Set phasers to wrongness on so many levels.)

 

Ah- at least revenge is a dish best paid Ten Forward!

 

 

 

Wheaton Strike One: Never make another guy’s girl do the clappy-dance.

 

…and stay out of his Aether!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Good Wil Hunting

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Aether (def.) The thick vapors that make up space and hold all the planets and stars and wobbly bits in place. According to the Victorians [7], you could breathe in it if you were wearing a pith helmet and fly to the moon in it if you had a steam-punk’d frigate.
  2.  Victorians (def.): People long on pocket watches and short on astro-navagation.
  3. Spoiler Alert:understatement. Odysseus popped back to Ithaca after a little side jaunt and killed some suitors.Circa 1174 B.C. was a very rough season of ‘The Bachelorette’.

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