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Ku-less: Hai Kulture’d – Impatient Zero


Wrascally pink           

Bunny slip  


Pink Eye for the

Geek’d Hai

I apologize for the odd

format of this post and

the Half-Ku (Well, I don’t

apologize for that – this IS,

after all, a Ku-less post

where we keep our two

readers [1]informed of

all the ‘hai-larious’

shenanigans that go

on among The KuJo in the

back room of  The

Bubblegum Nightclub.

It is supposed to be Haiku

free,  so 10 syllables =


(You lucky two readers

 [2]– you!)

So why this unraveled

Mobius strip of a


I have one eye …

I woke up Sunday with

my right eye fused shut.

Apparently, I have a case

of the ‘Pink Eye’. Color

me surprised. Certainly, it

is a few notches down from

Kafka’s ‘Goodnight Moon’

where you wake up a

cockroach, but it is still

unsettling. [3] Midnight

Pixies are supposed to

bring me little candies

and keep my juice glass

filled and covers

tucked in while I sleep,

not drip infectious pus

into my eye.

Not my definition of

Sugar Pluminess.

I have to hand it to you,

Pink Eye, you are indeed

aptly named. My eye is

much like a pickled beet

sitting on the salad bar

of my face.

The thing

about childhood diseases

that shouldn’t manifest

beyond age 6 is the

nomenclature is all flash

and no substance.

Check out the ones

best left for Laura

Ingalls Wilder or

The Littlest of The

Little Women:

Scarlet Fever or

Yellow Fever.

I’m sure they nailed the

hex color digits on those

but walked  a deceptively

euphemistic line on the

‘Fever’ end

of the spectrum.

‘Oh by fever you mean –



OK .

I see.’

Did Bubonic Plague corner

the colorful Death market?

Was anything else a cheap

imitation? Leaving a 17oo’s

tri-cornered fedora sporting

Don Draper  to spin

doctor a ‘fever’ market.

Accept Ye No Olde


Plague was so 500 Falls ago!

‘Fever’ is the new ‘Black’!

I  have to hand it to you

Pink Eye – you are spot on.

My eye is pink.

10 out of 10 for accuracy,

but minus several

billion for neglecting to

recreate the whole situation.

Let’s speed

reader disclaimer this sucker.

























So here I sit with half my

face buried in a pillow that

will be burned like The

Velveteen Rabbit in about

48 hours,typing unmerrily

away. I thought I might

make do with my coolio

tinted computer shades and

the lights turned down like

a blogging Audrey Hepburn

in ‘WaitUntil A Certain Amount

of Dimness’.

No such luck.

To make matters worse –

three of us have it: myself,

‘Erudite Chick Who Is Too

Cool For This’ ,

 and Seward.

We went out Saturday

night and woke up like

pre-schoolers on carpet

swatches come the


Misery loves

company and Seward loves

misery. He takes every

illness as  a personal

conspiracy by his body politic.

He has determined that one

of us is ‘Patient Zero’ and

means to flush the culprit out

like Cotton Mather on a seaside

holiday in Salem.

Nothing makes a sick day

worse than receiving

sporadic text quotes from

Ol Johnny Carpenter’s

‘The Thing’.

‘It’s going to get a hell of a

lot worse, before it gets any


Here’s hoping tomorrow

is a brand new day. [4]



Pop Culture, Haikulture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Poetry












Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. [and possibly supportive parents

    who may have figured out what

    an RSS feed is all about]

  2. [with a doubtful nod

    to technologically inept


  3. Surveys show that human-to-insect

    transmogrification trumps ‘Ewww! My eye is all goopy!!!!’

    9 times out of 10.

  4. (Perhaps one with depth

    perception – if that’s

    not asking too much.)

Ku-less – Hai Kulture’d: Unjump The Shark Day – The Coolness

Hai Kulture, Pop Culture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Television, Trope, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Unjump the Shark,

Taking Back ‘The Cool’

Well, September 20th is the annual Unjump the Shark Day at the KuJo and we thought we would share the top 5  ‘Moments of Cool’ from our Facebook Event:


The Top 5 Moments of Cool


1) I’m going to adopt a young orphan boy, thereby un-jumping the shark by re-jumping the shark.

— Phila WAC

2) I’m going to convert myself to animated form and travel back in time to the moment of Shark Jumpage. I will then touch myself (in a pardoxical, not sexual way) and destroy the universe, thereby saving cool. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and I like big omelets!

— Jack Seward, CA


3)It took me all day, but I finally figured out what I’m going do…I’m going to the diner that used to be owned by a big fat white guy, but is now owned by a little asian guy with the same name, because racial harmony is the tops! Ayyyyyyy!

—Mark Cooke, NJ

4) Today, I plan to move my office to the men’s room

—Traci Connaughton, NJ

5) I am going to defeat a gypsy curse using the power of my thumb!

—Orange PI (e-mail)

And in last place at 73:

My Moment of Cool

By Seward [1]

Hai Kulture, Television, Cool, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Entertainment, Humor

Apollo Aaaayyy-teen

I am going to use a friendly diorama to show that the recent shockumentary ‘Apollo 18’ is a work of fiction.

Fuzzy Alligators: Cool
NASA screaming ‘What are you?! Stupid?!’ all over the Internet: Uncool

— Seward [2]/[2.5 Sew]

Henry ‘The Fonz’ Winkler: You are Forever Cool [3]

Ayyy It Forward,




Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. WEIRDO! —Love, Hai
  2. Take The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth and instead of eyeballs on his palms install concentrated weirdness – that is a good day with Seward 🙂 — Love, Hai






    As you can see absolutely no eyepalms and weirdness! (Well, conceptual weirdness = yes / palm weirdness = a big fat no!

  4. Even if you didn’t retweet our event or friend us on FaceSpace

Ku-Less – Hai Kulture’d: You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!

Apparently, Seward received a fan letter [1] inquiring about his moniker ‘PepperJack’. He’s vacationing in less writery climes, but sent this to The Kujo in a desperate attempt to maintain his fan base of one. So without further ado:


You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!



My nom-de-nom-de-blog ‘PepperJack’ is a nod to my Punk-Gass’d [2] / [2.5] character in ‘Villians Victorianus’ and ‘from hell, With Love’. [3] The waist-coated dandified sociopath is a Mack-the-Knife-meets-Springheel-Jack-the-Ripper and the bane of waist-coated dandified crimefighters along the Thames. With his pepper spray cane and a mastery of knives, he slinks along the cobbles of Londontown.

Honestly – it just comes down to the fact that the idea of comic cover splash art of ol’ Sassy Jack jumping through a stained glass window with the tag ‘Beware The Slice of PepperJack’ makes me laugh hysterically [4]/[5]




Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. He’s lying —Hai 🙂
  2. Seward believes Steampunk is for sissies. He prefers low-tech alt history, which he believes is more gaslight friendly. He has dubbed this universe ‘Punk-Gass’d’ .

    It’s The Wild, Wild West meets Limehouse.

  3. Also saying things like “punk-gass’d” makes him laugh far too vigorously for the polite dinner party set
  4. These don’t exist – but thanks Circular 66!
  5. You also have a strange fixation with Dr. Jack Seward from Stoker’s Dracula. Remember we had that talk about how you can’t be a re-incarnated fictitious person— Hai [5]
  6. Yes, that is true – and I’m so not lying! [1] —Seward

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