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Ku-less: Hai Kulture’d – Impatient Zero

Conjunctiv    

Wrascally pink           

Bunny slip  

  

Pink Eye for the

Geek’d Hai

I apologize for the odd

format of this post and

the Half-Ku (Well, I don’t

apologize for that – this IS,

after all, a Ku-less post

where we keep our two

readers [1]informed of

all the ‘hai-larious’

shenanigans that go

on among The KuJo in the

back room of  The

Bubblegum Nightclub.

It is supposed to be Haiku

free,  so 10 syllables =

bonus!)

(You lucky two readers

 [2]– you!)

So why this unraveled

Mobius strip of a

post?

I have one eye …

I woke up Sunday with

my right eye fused shut.

Apparently, I have a case

of the ‘Pink Eye’. Color

me surprised. Certainly, it

is a few notches down from

Kafka’s ‘Goodnight Moon’

where you wake up a

cockroach, but it is still

unsettling. [3] Midnight

Pixies are supposed to

bring me little candies

and keep my juice glass

filled and covers

tucked in while I sleep,

not drip infectious pus

into my eye.

Not my definition of

Sugar Pluminess.

I have to hand it to you,

Pink Eye, you are indeed

aptly named. My eye is

much like a pickled beet

sitting on the salad bar

of my face.

The thing

about childhood diseases

that shouldn’t manifest

beyond age 6 is the

nomenclature is all flash

and no substance.

Check out the ones

best left for Laura

Ingalls Wilder or

The Littlest of The

Little Women:

Scarlet Fever or

Yellow Fever.

I’m sure they nailed the

hex color digits on those

but walked  a deceptively

euphemistic line on the

‘Fever’ end

of the spectrum.

‘Oh by fever you mean –

ummmm-

Death.

OK .

I see.’

Did Bubonic Plague corner

the colorful Death market?

Was anything else a cheap

imitation? Leaving a 17oo’s

tri-cornered fedora sporting

Don Draper  to spin

doctor a ‘fever’ market.

Accept Ye No Olde

Subsitutees!

Plague was so 500 Falls ago!

‘Fever’ is the new ‘Black’!

I  have to hand it to you

Pink Eye – you are spot on.

My eye is pink.

10 out of 10 for accuracy,

but minus several

billion for neglecting to

recreate the whole situation.

Let’s speed

reader disclaimer this sucker.

Pink-eye-true-but-also-

sticking-together-every-

five-seconds-while-it-

weeps-like-a-bit-of-

Virginal-statuary-in-

an-off-the-map-Mexican-

town-and-feeling-like-you

-were-socked-about-the-

face-mostly-in-the-

region-of-the-eye-with-

a-bit-of-stick-like-a-

celebratory-Pinata-in-the

-town-square-of-said-

quaint-remote-Mexican-

town-upon-discovery-

of-Blessed-weepage-in-

general-and-a-red-hot-

large-gauge-knitting-

needle-fresh-and-wooly-

from-a-half-finished-over-

sized-Christmas-sweater-

from-Nana-Kulture-in-the-

iris-come-direct-

light.

So here I sit with half my

face buried in a pillow that

will be burned like The

Velveteen Rabbit in about

48 hours,typing unmerrily

away. I thought I might

make do with my coolio

tinted computer shades and

the lights turned down like

a blogging Audrey Hepburn

in ‘WaitUntil A Certain Amount

of Dimness’.

No such luck.

To make matters worse –

three of us have it: myself,

‘Erudite Chick Who Is Too

Cool For This’ ,

 and Seward.

We went out Saturday

night and woke up like

pre-schoolers on carpet

swatches come the

morrow.

Misery loves

company and Seward loves

misery. He takes every

illness as  a personal

conspiracy by his body politic.

He has determined that one

of us is ‘Patient Zero’ and

means to flush the culprit out

like Cotton Mather on a seaside

holiday in Salem.

Nothing makes a sick day

worse than receiving

sporadic text quotes from

Ol Johnny Carpenter’s

‘The Thing’.

‘It’s going to get a hell of a

lot worse, before it gets any

better!’

Here’s hoping tomorrow

is a brand new day. [4]

Contagiously,

—Hai

Pop Culture, Haikulture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Poetry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. [and possibly supportive parents

    who may have figured out what

    an RSS feed is all about]

  2. [with a doubtful nod

    to technologically inept

    parents]

  3. Surveys show that human-to-insect

    transmogrification trumps ‘Ewww! My eye is all goopy!!!!’

    9 times out of 10.

  4. (Perhaps one with depth

    perception – if that’s

    not asking too much.)

Ku-less – Hai Kulture’d: Unjump The Shark Day – The Coolness

Hai Kulture, Pop Culture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Television, Trope, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Unjump the Shark,

Taking Back ‘The Cool’

Well, September 20th is the annual Unjump the Shark Day at the KuJo and we thought we would share the top 5  ‘Moments of Cool’ from our Facebook Event:

 

The Top 5 Moments of Cool

 

1) I’m going to adopt a young orphan boy, thereby un-jumping the shark by re-jumping the shark.

— Phila WAC     http://www.withoutacue.com/

2) I’m going to convert myself to animated form and travel back in time to the moment of Shark Jumpage. I will then touch myself (in a pardoxical, not sexual way) and destroy the universe, thereby saving cool. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and I like big omelets!

— Jack Seward, CA

 

3)It took me all day, but I finally figured out what I’m going do…I’m going to the diner that used to be owned by a big fat white guy, but is now owned by a little asian guy with the same name, because racial harmony is the tops! Ayyyyyyy!

—Mark Cooke, NJ

4) Today, I plan to move my office to the men’s room

—Traci Connaughton, NJ

5) I am going to defeat a gypsy curse using the power of my thumb!

—Orange PI (e-mail)

And in last place at 73:

My Moment of Cool

By Seward [1]

Hai Kulture, Television, Cool, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Entertainment, Humor

Apollo Aaaayyy-teen

I am going to use a friendly diorama to show that the recent shockumentary ‘Apollo 18’ is a work of fiction.

Fuzzy Alligators: Cool
NASA screaming ‘What are you?! Stupid?!’ all over the Internet: Uncool

— Seward [2]/[2.5 Sew]

Henry ‘The Fonz’ Winkler: You are Forever Cool [3]

Ayyy It Forward,

Hai

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. WEIRDO! —Love, Hai
  2. Take The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth and instead of eyeballs on his palms install concentrated weirdness – that is a good day with Seward 🙂 — Love, Hai
  3.  

     

     

     

     

     

    As you can see absolutely no eyepalms and weirdness! (Well, conceptual weirdness = yes / palm weirdness = a big fat no!

  4. Even if you didn’t retweet our event or friend us on FaceSpace

Ku-less – Hai-lidays: Unjump The Shark Day

Hai Kulture, Pop Culture, Haiku, Entertainment, Humor, Television, Trope, Jump the Shark, The Fonz, Unjump the Shark,

Taking Back ‘The Cool’

 

September 20th, 1977

‘The Fonz’ clad in swim trunks and leather jacket jumped a shark, forever reducing his level of cool with pop anthropologists everywhere and forcing him to take up the cross of idiom.

 

September 20th, 2011

Help ‘The Fonz’ unjump that shark by going out and doing something cool!

 

Bang a jukebox, snap your fingers and make random girls appear out of nowhere, or defeat Robin Williams’ mind control with the power of your thumb.

 

Help the memory of ‘The Fonz’ be cool again by being cool yourself!

 

Make Today A Day That Will Live in Inf ‘aaay’my!!!!

 

Sponsored by Hai Kulture   (http://haikulture.com/) and The Bubblegum Nightclub (http://www.bubblegumnightclub.com/) [1]

Facebook Event Page: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=166198736796423

     


 


Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Be cool responsibly! Event sponsors are not held accountable for broken or damaged fists from jukebox banging, frustration at the inability to find a jukebox or make girls appear from nowhere in this day and age, macing from said girls who appear from nowhere (or just general female street presence), hypothermia from wearing only a scarf and t-shirt in colder climes, Houdini water tank deaths, getting blown to ‘Only Boots-dom Come’ by the Candyman, getting lost in time with an anthropomorphic dog that mimics you, and any and all mishaps, injuries, arrests, and fatalities that may occur while attempting to be ‘cool’.

Ku-less: Hai World! – September the Beginningish

 What’s Happening at The Bubblegum Nighclub

 

Hello Kulturati!

As we enter the month of September and lean in through the doorway a bit,  it’s time once again to check in with The KuJo  and see what’s going on in the back room  of The Bubblegum Nightclub.

Part the First: We have been dealing with some ‘real world’ technical issues in the past two weeks or so.  Between hurricanes and why-aren’t-they-calling-this-a-hurricane weather, we have had trouble keeping our feet dry while getting our Interwebby sea legs. We lost power/Internet/power & Internet/ at The Bubblegum Nightclub on various days and for various durations over the past few weeks. Thankfully, we got the Haikulture 2.0 Reboot in before the Death Storms and I was able to purchase Ramona-style shiny red rubber boots on expense. [1].

Thank you to everyone who has messaged us in one way or another about the Reboot look! We like it and are extremely happy you do. It was exhausting Tron-ning it together piece by piece over 72 hours of monitor strain on the new ‘Hai Kultron 2600’. (I was ecstatic over getting my new-used-Interwebby Persona  specific-rebuilt laptop until I realized it meant surfing the circuitry for Reboot was Event Horizon. )

Part the Second: We have opened the doors to our KuJo companion sister site:

The Bubblegum Nightclub

An anti-Social Networking Contrariwise Blog

http://www.bubblegumnightclub.com/

And what is THAT exactly?

It’s minimalistic. It’s materialistic. It’s virtualistic. It’s algonquinalistic.

(It’s also easier to maintain Webicalistic  Presence  as we can only spew out Essayicalistic Contistic once or twice a week.)

Feel free to check it out for yourself. 🙂

Part the Third-Back in Hai World: – I’m on vacation this week and Seward is recovering from his piecemeal Hurrication from the previous. This Brain Trust and the rest of The  KuJo Collective did unite for beachside de-bocce-ry this past weekend at  Skeeeeeeeeeeeeballlllll! Fest ’11 – our own personal we-don’t-rate Dragon*Con- Kuvention with minor costuming and major cotton candy and funnel cakery. [2]/[3] I flew the official Hai Kulture kite with ad banner (no hits) and Seward held a panel in a sand fort (no attendees/one hit from a 5-year old’s plastic shovel). (We may have pictures once we determine how wet the disposable camera got.)

I’m posting this via E-post (which I finally figured out – go me!) and apologies to all for my Kindl(e)ing post that went up as a rough draft for about 24 hours as the e-edits didn’t take (before I finally figured it out – boo me!).  E-chastisement to Seward for knocking out all thumbnails as he took a turn in the Captain’s chair and tried to help me suss things out.  Kindl(e)-ing II should be up this weekend if Seward decides to stop plowing through DVD sets because he’s ‘The TV guy’ and resume ad hoc editorship [S.1] and he also needs to finally finish thumbnailing Darkside.  Now! [4] / [S.2] / [H.1]

Kummentary on deck for the coming weeks:

Lost without LOST

Seward shares an open love letter to the longest relationship he had in his life

 

Red Dead Dawning

Can Disney’s ‘Teen Machine’ output protect us from a Russian invasion?

 

Back to the beach [5]

 

Keep trope alive!

— Hai

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Shhhhhhhh!
  2. Yum
  3. YUM YUM YUM
  4. I am ‘The TV Guy’! (I also control the keys to the ‘Hai Kultron 2600’ at the moment… I am drunk with power! HA!)
  5. I will slap the face off your face, if you don’t —Love, Hai
  6. Talk, talk — Indifference, Seward
  7. E-footnote: You texted me ‘Eureka and Weeds – 14.99 Best Buy!’ and then went dark for two days. I know exactly what is happening up there! —Miffed, Hai
  8. Or the squishy between-the-toes quicksand that remains of the beach on the East Coast. 🙁 It’s been downright Gozer the Gozerian here.

Ku-less – Hai-lidays: Weekend of the Wheaton

Pop Culture, Entertainment, Television, Wil Wheaton, Geek Love, Labor Day,

Wheekend of the Wheaton

 

This Labor Day Weekend

Hai Kulture Vs. The W2

In The Mud!!!

[1] / [2]

 (With download of Mud App for I-Phone or Droid)

 

Hai Kulture Presents: The Get More ‘Like’ s than Wil Wheaton Weekend

 

On a Facebook near you

https://www.facebook.com/Haikulture

(So near-it’s just a single click!)

Get The Invite! “Love’ the ‘Like’

And please, please, please…share it with your friends like a warm and friendly STD…OF LOVE!

Only you can prevent Wil Wheaton’s popularity over our own.

Fizzy Fruity Drinks with little umbrellas all around!

(Sponsored by the Society for Shamelessly Increasing Traffic on This Website)
(It’s the last time-we promise—–Hai 🙂 )

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Mud  App optional. Mud App only applies where applicable. Hai Kulture is not responsible for any data loss due to the downloading of the Mud App. Hai Kulture is not affiliated with Mud App. Hai Kukture would actually prefer if you didn’t download Mud App as these are new shoes. I mean where are we going to change? Do YOU even HAVE a spare tankini?

    Mud App may cause an increased compulsion to gamble. If using, downloading, or even thinking of Mud App and you exhibit signs of a heart attack – please consult a physician. Actually, if you show signs of a heart attack, consult a physician in general. It seems like a good idea. Oh and definitely if you start bleeding out of an orifice-any of them. Do not download Mud App on an empty stomach. Do not use Mud App if Mud App persists for more than 4 hours. Do not operate heavy machinery while using Mud App. Do not get Mud App in eyes. Do not taunt Mud App.

    Do not ingest Mud App as rumor has it is made from that stuff that was in Stretch Armstrong™ and that was bad.

    Remember- your Mom wouldn’t let you get one after watching the news. Then she called your friend’s mom and said ‘Stretch Armstrong™ is filled with space toxins’ and your friend’s mom made him throw it out. He was mad at you for weeks. He stopped sharing his fruit roll-ups with you and almost made Charlie McGlusky his best friend in your place. Remember Charlie McGlusky?! That freak ate paste and almost replaced you on the great 3rd grade totem pole of popularity. Do you want that to happen again over some stupid Mud App????!!! No!!!!!!!

    Those were dark times. It isn’t worth it.

  2. You know who probably IS downloading Mud App – Wil Wheaton. Do you want to be like him? I mean if Wil Wheaton jumped off a bridge…

Ku-Less – Hai Kulture’d: You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!

Apparently, Seward received a fan letter [1] inquiring about his moniker ‘PepperJack’. He’s vacationing in less writery climes, but sent this to The Kujo in a desperate attempt to maintain his fan base of one. So without further ado:

 

You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!

PepperJack

 

My nom-de-nom-de-blog ‘PepperJack’ is a nod to my Punk-Gass’d [2] / [2.5] character in ‘Villians Victorianus’ and ‘from hell, With Love’. [3] The waist-coated dandified sociopath is a Mack-the-Knife-meets-Springheel-Jack-the-Ripper and the bane of waist-coated dandified crimefighters along the Thames. With his pepper spray cane and a mastery of knives, he slinks along the cobbles of Londontown.

Honestly – it just comes down to the fact that the idea of comic cover splash art of ol’ Sassy Jack jumping through a stained glass window with the tag ‘Beware The Slice of PepperJack’ makes me laugh hysterically [4]/[5]

 —PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. He’s lying —Hai 🙂
  2. Seward believes Steampunk is for sissies. He prefers low-tech alt history, which he believes is more gaslight friendly. He has dubbed this universe ‘Punk-Gass’d’ .

    It’s The Wild, Wild West meets Limehouse.

  3. Also saying things like “punk-gass’d” makes him laugh far too vigorously for the polite dinner party set
  4. These don’t exist – but thanks Circular 66!
  5. You also have a strange fixation with Dr. Jack Seward from Stoker’s Dracula. Remember we had that talk about how you can’t be a re-incarnated fictitious person— Hai [5]
  6. Yes, that is true – and I’m so not lying! [1] —Seward

Ku-Less: Hai World! – August The Middle

At this week’s table meeting, The KuJo decided to celebrate by counting our readers on our fingers and a modicum of toes. We also figured it would be nice to keep you, our literally digitized followers, in the know of what is going on in the Hai Kulture world.

 

Introducing: Hai World! – What’s Happening at The Bubblegum Nightclub.

 

We are still mucking about in background of the web build. You will see some changes in the next few weeks and bear with the smudgy fingerprints of error as we jigsaw this together. We are hoping to have a professional build by the end of the month. As mostly Arts and English majors, HTML and CSS are an alphabet soup to MFAs. Our skills range from ‘On Button-This?’ to “How can I Google ‘Why is my screen blue and frozen?’ when my screen is blue and frozen?” It is much like those bread board electronic kits Radio Shack used to peddle before they needed a passport for batteries. After six hours, a resistor under the fingernail, and several inadvertent bouts of mild electroshock therapy for ages 8-12 – we can make that little red light in the corner flicker.

If one poorly cobbled together secret tree fort on the Web wasn’t enough – Hai Kulture will be announcing The KuJo’s The Bubblegum Nightclub blog in the coming weeks. The Bubblegum Nightclub: The In-Your-FaceSpace anti-Social Networking network powered by KuJo.  (I honestly have no idea what that means and was barely able to read the scrawl on the Post-It passed to me.) This should be interesting…

Coming Kummentary for the next week or so include:

 

Here we are now, going to..

The Darkside – The Haiku

 Joy riding with Moby and taking in the sights of Intergalactic Hubris.

 

 

 

Dial EVIL for E

Our Interwebby Personality, Hai, takes a stand against the prefix ‘e-‘

That’s e-ronic!

 

 To Jump or not to Jump, that is the Shark

 Seward hasn’t shaved in two days and has dubbed his  sabbatical – Investigative Blogalism.

Trope springs eternal!

 

—Hai

Ku-less – Hai-lidays: The War of the Wheaton: Arch Nemesis Day!

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Reprieve

 

The Christmas (in July) Truce

 

Happy Birthday to WilThe Wheaton Wheaton!!!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Hai-liday Wil Wheaton Arch Nemesis

Arrrr! Here There Be Wheatons!

 

The Official ‘Kujo’ Hai-liday for July 29th is:

 

Arch-Nemesis Day

 

Now go out there and foil someone’s dastardly master plans while they arrogantly explain them in great detail to you!

© 2011-2017 Hai Kulture (Designated Author Written Content) All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

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