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Shark Weak: Da Fonz – Da Hai-Two

Jukebox. Pinball. Lights.

 Broken Washer? No Problem!

Leather clad Clapper ™

 

 

Shark Weak: Part II

Unjumping the Shark: The Fonz-a-thon Equilibrium Principle

 

 

As a nation we have turned our back on the Fonz. We mockingly celebrate The Shark for a week every year and celebrate mocking The King of Cool with idiomatic stigma.

 

Keep your ‘Shark Week’ – I’ll celebrate ‘Jump Day!’ September 20th:  A day in 1977 the huddled masses bathed in technicolor glare, held their collective breath, and began a long, slow raspberry in the direction of Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli.

 

Let the ill and somewhat spittley winds blow as they will for I know that Fonzie achieved a Nirvana of Cool that day. The path to enlightenment is discovered through vision, deed, and righteousness.

 

Vision – He saw the shark.

 

Deed – He jumped the shark.

 

Righteousness – Swim trunks and a leather jacket for ‘Ye it was asked among the people is there a raiment more righteous?’ Fonz 3:16 [11]

 

In modern tropism, what The Fonz achieved that day was a ‘Lockdown’ [12] : a single crystalized moment of awesome awesomness that embeds itself in one’s psyche. This moment becomes the fundamental image of recall overriding all other impressions of a show’s run.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor LOST Lockdown The Fonz Shark Weak

The ‘Lockdown’

 

Above: Brain Neuroimaging- PET result of a ‘Lockdown’

Subject was asked to recall impressions of a certain TV show

 

This kernel of pure awesome trapped in the amber of recall is so ingrained that it can blind one to the exponential lessening in awesome that inevitably follows thereafter. In fact, in our Hai Sci labs down at The Kujo, we ran some Nielson correlations. At its most potent, The Lockdown has been known to act as a dayglo and blacklight beacon, so powerful it can shepherd one through a mediocre final season of randomness and about 45 minutes into a finale of ‘You said you wouldn’t!!!!’ [13]

 

Hero worship can subsist for eternity on the endless Mobius strip of re-runs.

 

With regret and the advent of Nick-at-Night and TV Land, I caught glimpses of a tarnished idol that I never saw in the endless re-run loop of childhood. What I saw wasn’t cool – but chilling. The Fonz had been Oliver!’d [14]. The Fonz was teaching at a tech school like a poor man’s Kotter. With nary a shark in sight, I crushed that uncool shadow of The Man into a blip of light with a quick remote press.

 

But I come to praise Fonzarelli, not to bury him.

 

Whatever chinks in his worn leather armor I refused to witness, cannot be placed on the doorstep of his garage apartment (which he probably didn’t even have anymore-because who was he?) The blame cannot be placed on the Fonz, the shark, or any amount of jumping betwixt the two. The blame lies on writers, producers, and executives who simply don’t stop. The same triumvirate who foist a thing like Urkel on us and then poke him like a baited bear so he dances on our screens until he is in need of cataract surgery.

 

Oh there be sharks in these waters that even the Fonz cannot conquer.

 

There is a saturation point in entertainment that no one seems to bother with. A boundary defined and determined by what Hai Sci Laboratories calls The Fonz-a-thon Equilibrium Principle:

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Fonzie The Fonz Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Too much of a cool thing = tragedy

 

 

(AAYYY) N= U+M+M+M

 

as N ∑ ∞ [15]

 

Too much of a cool thing eventually becomes tragic

 

Leather Jacket: Cool

 

Leather Pants: Tragedy

 

One Eyepatch: Cool

 

Two Eyepatches: Tragedy

 

Sombrero: Cool

 

The Alamo: Tragedy

 

Just know when to hold, fold, and walk away Burbank.

 

I never wore my sky blue Fonzie tee until it was bursting at pubescent seams. I retired it with reverence to a drawer and I’m sure it now resides entombed in cardboard like an Ark of The Covenant in Awesome, shining with black light and dayglo cool in the shadow warehouse called Mom’s Basement 13.

 

It may be faded. It may be worn. It may slightly pink on the hem from when Kristy Federwitz and I decided to make a ‘million dollars’ by selling Kool-Aid and slightly brown from when she threw mud at me because we didn’t.

 

But it isn’t a rag.

 

It isn’t unrecognizable.

 

It still is the Fonz and it still is cool.

 

—PepperJack

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. ‘And lo it was said unto the people:”It would be easier for Dick Dastardly to stop that pigeon than it would be for Scrappy Doo to not receive a punch in his annoying mug from everyone he met.”
  2.  LOST (SEASON 2:EPISODE 17) or the day I discovered my DVD player had a zoom function
  3. Cuse and Lindelof (def): FUCKERS
  4. OLIVER!’D (def): A derivation of the ‘Cousin Oliver’ trope.Much like that annoying little waif with the bowl and the bottomless stomach, a young child character is introduced as a distraction on an iron lunger TV show with a hand out wanting ‘more’ of your attention and laughter
  5. TAKE THAT ‘BEAUTIFUL MIND’ GUY WITH YOUR NOBEL PRIZE IN HOT BLONDE THEOREMS AND YOUR JENNIFER CONNELLY WIFE. THIS SEMI-ATTRACTIVE BRAIN IS GETTING THE NOBEL PRIZE IN NOTHINGNESS AND while I might not have Jennifer Connelly – ALL MY MAGAZINES ARE STILL INTACT!

Shark Weak: Da Fonz – Da Haiku

Garage Apartment?

Not cool! Aayyyy! Pinkie relax

They’re not MY parents!

 

 

Today at Hai Kulture, we address a hard issue and duck down some of the back alleys off Memory Lane to scratch at the sugary veneer of Candyland bliss. As a pop culture website, we are not afraid to poke at the bubblegum bubble upon which our world rests. We are not snarky elitists who just sit around drinking café purchased coffees with multiple syrups while voting on who is sporting the trendiest pair of faux glasses. [1] We are not afraid to get our hands dirty, or sticky as the case may be, and push against the boundaries of bubblegum-dom. We do so for you, we do so for the truth, and we do so with our fingertips, some convenient bits of stick, and the ear piece of some trendy faux glasses we just happened to find. [2] [3]/[4]

 

 A Hai Kulture Investigative Blog:

 

Shark Weak

The Effects of  Carcharodon carcharias Leapage on The Temperature Gradient of Non-Somatic Cool

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Fonzie Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Shark Weak?

 

A standard pop culture trope is ‘Jump the Shark’: a term used to describe a moment when something that was once great has reached a point where it will now decline in quality and popularity. This phrase refers to a Season 5 episode of Happy Days where the Fonz literally jumped a shark and like a leather clad messiah took the weight of a TV nation upon his shoulders.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Fonzie Jump the Shark Shark Weak

Last Supper At Arnold’s

 

Above: The Fonz ironically does his version of DaVinci’s ‘Jesus Jazz Hands’ [5] the moment he trades cool for the cross of idiom.

 

The Fonz had become a gimmick. A sham. Retire the leathers and retool the show as ‘My Two Potsies’.

 

I’m here to do what Investigative Blogalists do best: point a virtual finger and scream ‘No! Wrong!!!!!!’

 

‘No! Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

 

And you know you are – because jumping a shark is awesome!

I say – ‘JUMP THAT SHARK!!! JUMP IT NOW!!!’

Sadly, I never saw the original jump and to me that equates with missing the ‘Moon Landing’. [6] As age eight met with the early 80’s, I was a Syndication Baby. [7] / [8] My ‘Happy Days’ were five nights a week on the local UHF, brushing teeth to the closing theme, and fighting aliens with The Fonz in dreamland. For the record, I knew my Fonzie for I had ‘been groovin’ all week with him.

 

You never forget your first ‘Shark Jump’. That night. as he skied up that ramp for his umpteenth re-run, he did so only for me. That night, The Fonz took on the aliens single-handedly for I couldn’t sleep a wink. The Fonz had just defined ‘cool’.

 

‘Jumping the Shark’ doesn’t make Arthur Fonzerelli a joke. It defines him. He did exactly what he was supposed to do. The Fonz was supposed to punch jukeboxes and stop robots with a thumbs-down and a stern ‘woah’. He was supposed to stand up for the down trodden and steal Mrs. C’s cookies. This was the guy who solved mysteries and stopped the nefarious Candyman. He was a figure of myth, a god in syndication, and at a snap of his fingers it was ‘Aaaayyy! Let there be light!’ At his best, he was traveling through time in animated form [9] and at his besterest, the man jumped sharks.

 

He was the Fonz. He was cool. He jumped sharks.

 

I wore my sky blue t-shirt with the Fonzie iron-on [10]  to the playground with pride that weekend. (Actually, I wore it every weekend, but on this particular one I climbed to the top of the monkey bars for the first time.) A tribute paid in wide-eyed youthfulness to The Man Who Jumped Sharks.

 

And to this day, I don’t sport the simple yet elegant open leather jacket/single scarf look to stay warm in winter, but quite the opposite.

 

I do it to stay cool.

 

(To Be Continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. The KuJo is DECIDEDLY split between those who drink café purchased coffees with multiple syrups and those who wear trendy faux glasses.
  2. No one wanted to get particularly sticky that day – we had places to be in the afternoon.
  3. We did collect a cash pool for someone to press their face AGAINST The Bubblegum Boundaries of Pop Culture like Number Six in a Rover. [4]

    No takers.

  4. Rover (def:) Number Two’s badass Security Weather Balloon – The Prisoner (’67-’68)
  5. DaVinci’s ‘The Last Supper’ – While the JC has tabled his Jesus Jazz Hands for the gang, he is often depicted in a low to mid jazz hands arc.
  6. How did a bunch of guys travel through a massive belt of radiation in Jiffy Pop space suits when computers were still the size of my apartment? Answer: They didn’t.
  7. Syndication Baby (def:) A child weaned on the milk of UHF and instilled with the belief that shows such as ‘Gilligan’s Island’, ‘Bewitched’, and ‘The Dick van Dyke Show’ are fresh and new – leads to ‘Love Boat Shock Syndrome’ [8]
  8. A post traumatic stress disorder common in Sydication Babies. The shock brought on by seeing a re-runned television star suddenly age 20 years from that afternoon’s vintage show to guesting on that week’s ‘Love Boat’. First Lido Deck Appearances can lead to confusion and hiding under afghans.
  9. The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang was an animated saturday morning program in which The Fonz travelled through time having adventures narrated by Wolfman Jack. Just thinking about it makes me shiver with joy.
  10. The Fonzie Iron On: Me. The Sky Blue Chest Palette: My Mother. ‘You look good in blue. It brings out you eyes’ A retro thank you to the boardwalk t-shirt kid who didn’t laugh at a beleagured 8 year old.

Ku-Less – Hai Kulture’d: You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!

Apparently, Seward received a fan letter [1] inquiring about his moniker ‘PepperJack’. He’s vacationing in less writery climes, but sent this to The Kujo in a desperate attempt to maintain his fan base of one. So without further ado:

 

You Don’t Know ‘PepperJack’!

PepperJack

 

My nom-de-nom-de-blog ‘PepperJack’ is a nod to my Punk-Gass’d [2] / [2.5] character in ‘Villians Victorianus’ and ‘from hell, With Love’. [3] The waist-coated dandified sociopath is a Mack-the-Knife-meets-Springheel-Jack-the-Ripper and the bane of waist-coated dandified crimefighters along the Thames. With his pepper spray cane and a mastery of knives, he slinks along the cobbles of Londontown.

Honestly – it just comes down to the fact that the idea of comic cover splash art of ol’ Sassy Jack jumping through a stained glass window with the tag ‘Beware The Slice of PepperJack’ makes me laugh hysterically [4]/[5]

 —PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. He’s lying —Hai 🙂
  2. Seward believes Steampunk is for sissies. He prefers low-tech alt history, which he believes is more gaslight friendly. He has dubbed this universe ‘Punk-Gass’d’ .

    It’s The Wild, Wild West meets Limehouse.

  3. Also saying things like “punk-gass’d” makes him laugh far too vigorously for the polite dinner party set
  4. These don’t exist – but thanks Circular 66!
  5. You also have a strange fixation with Dr. Jack Seward from Stoker’s Dracula. Remember we had that talk about how you can’t be a re-incarnated fictitious person— Hai [5]
  6. Yes, that is true – and I’m so not lying! [1] —Seward

War of the Wheaton – The Hai-Five

Beauty heartbroken

By smug kilt-wearing gamer

I ask: What the Fawkes?!!?!

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fifth

Fawkes Pas or The Guilded Butterfly Incident

 

 

 

(If you have a copy of Grieg’s ‘In the Hall of the Mountain King’ start playing….

 

…now)

 

(And if not – Hai has kindly provided you with a copy 🙂 —Love, Hai :-*  ) [11.5]

 

In_the_Hall_of_the_Mountain_King

 

Time to turn down the lights…

 

Now, where were we?

 

Ah yes…

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil)

W For Whendetta

This guy.

 

The Wheaton.

 

W-Squared.

(or W2 with the new superscript button — Love, Hai)

 

Good ol’  ‘Wilbo’.

 

Time to step up to the plate for strike three.

 

(Are you up to the dramatic fasty bit at the end of the song? I’ll wait…)

(So…how was your day?)

(Ok. Ready? Let’s go!)

 

Ummm…

 

He’s kissed Felicia Day. I’m just going to throw that out there.

 

AND he made her fictitiously sad! [12]

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) The Guild Felcia Day

The beautiful Felicia Day besmirched by sadness :(

(Not to weaken my argument, but it is impossible to find a distressed picture of Ms. Day. She is far too adorable. [13] After an extensive Internet search, the most I could come up with is ‘Codex nonplussed’. )

 

(This pops the seal on the can of worms of nonplussines. Do I mean ‘vexed’ or ‘unfazed’? Hey-I didn’t decide to go on the neologism rampage in the past decade! Let’s just say, at most, she was ‘plussed’. Arguably not a word, but if people are going to flip words derived from the Latin on their tail, I’m going to start making things up. Plussed: it’s both ‘vexy’ AND ‘fazy’. Pencil THAT  into the margin of your Funk and Wagnalls!)

 

(And don’t go saying she’s somewhat come-hither in the above photo. Squint a bit and she’s slightly ticked off. Work with me here! It’s late and I’ve spent two hours sifting through photos of ‘The Day of Sunshine’ [14] looking like a cute fluffy bunny who has momentarily misplaced a carrot. An extremely plussy, cute, fluffy bunny in the above case.)

 

She was sad. Season 3 & 4 of ‘The Guild’. I have it on DVD. Come over and I’ll show you or just check it out at:  http://www.watchtheguild.com/  – so I don’t have to tidy up.

 

I’ll give you one guess as to the cause. Here’s a hint-it rhymes with Wheat Thin.

 

Good. Glad we are on the same page again.

 

No one should make Felicia Day sad or even borderline plussed.

 

Wheaton Strike Three (Rounded up): YOU BASTARD!

 

Gotcha!

 

Let the ‘Blood Feud’ commence!

 

Sorry – Wilbo. It really is nothing personal. [15] / [16]

 

It’s just all the cool geeks are doing it. 🙂

 

FIN…?

 

—PepperJack

 

 

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. This is a bit of a Spoiler Alert : Redundancy from the Hai Kulture 2.0 reboot, but I honestly was extremely pleased with myself when I figured out Audio Player and snuck it in that afternoon after Seward posted. It stays! —Hai
  2. I love Felicia Day. Just a little.
  3. She is adorable.
  4. With all the adorableness, it stands to reason she is cute also.
  5. In all honesty, I have nothing against Wil Wheaton. He’s an open gamer, ‘out-of-the-dungeon’ geek, seemed like a pretty cool (and non-litigious) guy when I met him, and even parodies himself ala ‘The Shat’.  [16] I have nothing but respect for that. He’s alive and well and living in exile: http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/ . Check it out. It’s true; he’s not a dick.

    (But I did change my spellchecker to recognize ‘Wilbo’ – so the whole blood feud thing – I really should go through with it to save face.)

  6. There are those who deem referring to William Shatner as ‘The Shat’ insulting. I disagree. He’s not ‘shat’; he’s ‘The Shat’. Difference = huge

Ku-Less: Hai World! – August The Middle

At this week’s table meeting, The KuJo decided to celebrate by counting our readers on our fingers and a modicum of toes. We also figured it would be nice to keep you, our literally digitized followers, in the know of what is going on in the Hai Kulture world.

 

Introducing: Hai World! – What’s Happening at The Bubblegum Nightclub.

 

We are still mucking about in background of the web build. You will see some changes in the next few weeks and bear with the smudgy fingerprints of error as we jigsaw this together. We are hoping to have a professional build by the end of the month. As mostly Arts and English majors, HTML and CSS are an alphabet soup to MFAs. Our skills range from ‘On Button-This?’ to “How can I Google ‘Why is my screen blue and frozen?’ when my screen is blue and frozen?” It is much like those bread board electronic kits Radio Shack used to peddle before they needed a passport for batteries. After six hours, a resistor under the fingernail, and several inadvertent bouts of mild electroshock therapy for ages 8-12 – we can make that little red light in the corner flicker.

If one poorly cobbled together secret tree fort on the Web wasn’t enough – Hai Kulture will be announcing The KuJo’s The Bubblegum Nightclub blog in the coming weeks. The Bubblegum Nightclub: The In-Your-FaceSpace anti-Social Networking network powered by KuJo.  (I honestly have no idea what that means and was barely able to read the scrawl on the Post-It passed to me.) This should be interesting…

Coming Kummentary for the next week or so include:

 

Here we are now, going to..

The Darkside – The Haiku

 Joy riding with Moby and taking in the sights of Intergalactic Hubris.

 

 

 

Dial EVIL for E

Our Interwebby Personality, Hai, takes a stand against the prefix ‘e-‘

That’s e-ronic!

 

 To Jump or not to Jump, that is the Shark

 Seward hasn’t shaved in two days and has dubbed his  sabbatical – Investigative Blogalism.

Trope springs eternal!

 

—Hai

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-Four

Battle Pen to Sword

Who is mightier? Sharpie ™-

The tip always felt

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Fourth

 Fan (dissed) Service or Origins ™ Story

 

 

It’s time for a little face time with W-Squared

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher

Meta Evil with (W-Squared) 2

 

It’s like looking into a mirror looking into a mirror staring into The Abyss. [9]

 

I have met The Wheaton on two occasions. The first was during the Crusher salad days at a Sci-Fi(nance) convention. [10] Wheaton was the big ringer that day. He had left the show about a year back and all the buzz was Starfleet Academy.

 

‘When will there be Starfleet Academy?’

 

‘Oh, Wil-I can’t wait for Starfleet Academy!’

 

‘Something about cookies and milk and Starfleet Academy’ punctuated by a squeal.

 

My friends and I attended this venture with the dual purposes of dropping 80 dolllars of mid-nineties currency on plastic junk and taking Wil Wheaton down a peg.

 

Damn that likable rogue! He gave a charismatic panel. He was healing people who touched the hem of his trendy kitsch t-shirt. He was personable while signing autographs.

 

(Yes-fine! I will freely admit I waited two hours in line for his autograph. Not that I really wanted it. I didn’t. Honest. Every geek girl who was crammed in that Shriner Fest capacity hotel and liked robots or would react to a ‘Don’t Panic’ [11] lapel button was in that line. I’m not stupid – that was one hour and forty minutes of chatting up geek girls before we turned a corner and Ensign Dreamboat hoved into view.)

 

The attack on Wheaton was three pronged that day and hatched while pawing through back issues of Doctor Who Monthly.

 

Prong One: The Befuddle

 

I slid a picture of Charles Gray from The Rocky Horror Picture Show across the table toward his awaiting Sharpie ™

 

The Wheaton: “But…? This isn’t me…”

 

Me: “Why would I want a picture of you?”

 

And The Wheaton laughed.

 

He saw the sea of starry-eyed Starfleeters.

 

Wheaton knew the deal.

 

Touché

 

He remained firmly entrenched on all his respective pegs.

 

(The Wheaton: 1  Prongs: 0)

 

 

Prong Two: The Flip

 

My friend slides an actual picture of Crusher in all his Ensigniness to the unwitting mark.

 

Friend: “Could you sign it ‘Wilbo’? ”

The Wheaton: “To ‘Wilbo’?”

 

Friend: “From ‘Wilbo'”

 

The Wheaton: (awkward pause with confused frowning) “…uh-uh…”

 

Set phaseres to phased.

 

The pegs looked tenuous.

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs: 1)

 

 

 

Prong Three: The Last Word

 

We yelled “Your TV Mom is hot!!!” and ran away.

 

Ha! Touché back atcha!

 

The old double touché

 

(The Wheaton: 1 Prongs 2)

 

 

Wheaton Strike Two: Give the people what they want!

 

Were we really the first ‘Wilbo’ that day??? C’mon!

 

Doctor Zachary Smith from Lost in Space signed his photo ‘Tiger Smith’ in homage to the time he boxed Robot and let me tell you – that chap had class.

 

‘Wilbo’ Wheaton has never boxed with a robot!

 

(Although according to Queensbury rules, I don’t think I can call that a legitimate strike.)

 

As a footnote to this, the second occasion I met Wil Wheaton was at a book signing for ‘Just A Geek’. The line was much thinner. The starry eyed glances were more fleeting. We chatted a minute or two and I relayed The ‘Wilbo’ Incident to him. He laughed and graciously signed the book ‘Wilbo’ of his own accord.

 

Fine.

 

Wheaton Strike One and a Half

 

Well played, Wheaton. Well played.

 

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Abyss (def): endless void or a movie with Ed Harris and some watery CGI mooks. Either way, something you don’t want to stare at for too long.
  2. Term for a convention of no particular theme and a hodge-podge of guests whose only connection is cancelled shows, free time, and needing a buck. This one was called Origins ™. Sweet, sweet irony.
  3. That little green globey guy’s tongue is the Mick Jagger lips of SF.

The War of The Wheaton – The Hai-three

Blush-Giggle-Clap-Clap

Bounce-Dance-Giggle-Squeal-Swoon (*groan*)

Enter: The Wheaton

 

  Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Third

Dreamboat Willie or The Starfleetin’ Incident

 

 

That boldface *groan* – that’s from me.

 

A little Author in the Haiku Aether moment.

 

It is a groan of dismay and not because I suddenly found myself surrounded by Aether. [6] / [7]

 

It has never been easy for ‘Geek Boy Seeking Geek Girl’. Shake your trusted Crown Royal ‘Bag of Holding’ and your assortment of D-20s in the wrong direction and you can clear a room of potential suitors faster than Odysseus back in Ithaca-town. [8]

 

Remember this simple equation kids: D+D=D+O+A

 

Not mathematically sound, but it increases the circumference of your social bubble.

 

Then…

 

Enter: The Wheaton

 

Back in the day, Wheaton set the geek bar.

 

These days, I cannot even imagine the flaming hoops one has to jump through to impress geek girls as they sit about and wait for vampires to ask them to prom.

 

In the mid-nineties, there was only one shadow to live in. A man-boy sized shadow.

 

Wesley Crusher.

 

Oh look! There he is now…

 

Poking his nose into my Aether!

 

This is mine! Get your own Aether!

 

 

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Humor Television Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Ensign Smiley Britches

GAH! Look at that smug smile!

 

He’s probably fresh from saving The Enterprise…again!

 

I once had a girlfriend who thought him ‘The Dreamiest’.

 

 

(Her words not mine and words said quite frequently- quite frequently with squealing…quite frequently with squealing and little bouncy dances with hand clapping. Squeal-dance-clap. Rinse and repeat, long before The Zumba was all the rage.)

 

Could I really fault her for it?

 

No, Crusher was made for geek girl crushing.

 

However, I am not one to take things like this lying down, standing up, or even arms akimbo. Jealous hands are the idle’s playground. Taxing the limits of my Print Shop [ver. some single digit], I took it upon myself to produce, as novelty gift toppers (and mostly for the purpose of giggling and cuddling reception), four issues of ‘Starfleetin.’

‘Starfleetin’ was a mock Wheaton self-produced fanzine detailing his exploits to get the defunct Starfleet Academy television series made. These exploits usually entailed W-Squared awkwardly auditioning girls in his basement and being disturbed by his mom bringing down grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade. It also featured an advice column where he just tried to get girls’ numbers.

I had it in for him a little…

Pop Culture Haiku Television Entertainment Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing Starflrrtin'

A Turin Shroud of Anti-Wheaton Comedy (recovered from a 3.5 tomb at 3am after a 5 hour seacrh)

 

The back of StarFleetin’ vol. 1 issue 1 (circa god knows when)

 

Featured: Ask Wilbo! advice column and an audition notice for StarFleet Academy: The Independent Film. (Bring/Wear Bathing Suit-No Fatties!)

 

 

 

 

(In reading the hard copy I’ve recently rediscovered said girlfriend once referred to The Wheaton as: ‘The Dreamland Cookie in my Bedtime Glass of Milk’. Set phasers to wrongness on so many levels.)

 

Ah- at least revenge is a dish best paid Ten Forward!

 

 

 

Wheaton Strike One: Never make another guy’s girl do the clappy-dance.

 

…and stay out of his Aether!

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Television Humor Wil Wheaton (Evil) Wesley Crusher Wesley Crushing

Good Wil Hunting

(To be continued)

 

—PepperJack

 

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1.  Aether (def.) The thick vapors that make up space and hold all the planets and stars and wobbly bits in place. According to the Victorians [7], you could breathe in it if you were wearing a pith helmet and fly to the moon in it if you had a steam-punk’d frigate.
  2.  Victorians (def.): People long on pocket watches and short on astro-navagation.
  3. Spoiler Alert:understatement. Odysseus popped back to Ithaca after a little side jaunt and killed some suitors.Circa 1174 B.C. was a very rough season of ‘The Bachelorette’.

Technorati Streetwalking – The Haiku

Ku-Less: Technorati Streetwalking

This is another one that was Spoiler Alert: Redundancy during the reboot.  Rather than drop it I decided it served a purpose in the whole Ku-niverse. What exactly the purpose is I have no idea. Should I really be sweating that Just Jared is 30,000 points ahead of us? I slapped together a quickie back alley Photoshop and Haiku to drop it in Tech. Actually, two Haikus. Double Down. Now what street corner are you going to find that deal on?

—Hai

 

****          ****         ****

Technorati Streetwalking- The Haikus

 

Back Alley Blogging 

Information Super High

Looking for a Hit

 

Or try this on for a webcrawl:

\’fiv\ \siks\ [duhb-uh’]-yoo

\fohr\ \bee\ \cee\ \cee\ \eych\ \cee\ \ef\

\ef\ \three\  – now hit me!

 

56W4BCCHCFF3

War of The Wheaton – The Hai-two

Thy eye offends thee-

then use Visine. Other eyes –

Oedipal wreckage

 

 

 

Something Wheaton This Way Comes… Part the Second

Wheaton Harder

 

Personally, I’m just a firm believer that having an arch-nemesis around livens things up.

Just pick a random person and make them the root of all evil.

I do it all the time. The workday goes faster. There is less downtime at the Laundromat. Oil changes become a Machiavellian dance on a Jiffy Lube chessboard.

I even pick a ‘vacation arch-nemesis’ when I frequent the beach in summers.

If you are curious, I find a Bed and Breakfast lends itself to the arch-nemesis scenario. There’s always someone to catch with a knowing arched eyebrow over the coffee mug at communal breakfast. Someone to draw purposefully into an inane conversation to foil his dastardly plot of — quietly reading the paper. Someone to make sure that you score the only porch rocker before they do. Someone heading out to the sand and the sun, to watch through the banister, as you crouch low on the stairway and whisper, ‘What exactly is your game, Sir?’ (Struggling with an over-sized umbrella while locking your door is fooling no one.)

On this The Vast Interwebby Thing, the Royal We of Hai Kulture choose you, Wil Wheaton.

We are a pop culture website after all -we need a nemesis of decent bubblegummy archiness.

Enter Wil Wheaton.

He gives good nemesis. He is of a similar age (the Lex Luthor vibe). He is far wealthier than I (classic reverse Batman scenario). He wore a kilt in various webisodes of The Guild (which is as close as I want to get to a guy in a leopard print loincloth in this lifetime). He’s a former Trekker with a beard (and if ‘Mirror, Mirror’ teaches anything: beards = bad).

Fine-right now you are saying one of two things:

A) Who in the hell is Wil Wheaton?

or:

B) It’s been done.

A| A quick and dirty, biased, and statistically unfounded poll here at The Hai Kulture Dojo, involving my cell phone and texts to less people than I could count on both hands if I were a carny, has shown that almost no one under the age of thirty knows who (‘in the hell’ or outside of it) Wil Wheaton is. The back end of my demographic just fell to the floor faster than an unmentionable in a Live song. [5]

I’m still sticking with it.

(Oh and sorry Wil, that factoid is hurting me as much as it hurts you.)

B| Yes, those of you who know just who in the hell Wil Wheaton is, also realize that it has been done before. The Wheaton has been playing up an evil parody of himself on various programs. ‘Leverage’, ‘The Guild’, and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ all feature Wil Wheaton: Arch-nemesis. I just want it to be known I got there first. The Wheaton has been baning my existence long before Chuck Lorre had his hands on Charlie Sheen, let alone tried to wash them of him.

You have your doubts. I understand completely.

Well, ready your spoons of justice and prepare to break through the weird milky skin of uncertainty to some chocolatey goodness of truth.

And I’ll cook up some pudding made with proof.

 

Pop Culture Haiku Entertainment Televison Humor Wil Wheaton (evil)

Whrath of The Wheaton

(To be continued)

— PepperJack

 

Meta-Notoriety    (↵ returns to text)
  1. Here’s a hint: ‘Lightning Crashes’. Here’s another hint: Why would I be afraid to mention ‘intentions’?

© 2011-2017 Hai Kulture (Designated Author Written Content) All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

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